Sort of Normal

Chapter 24

Boone

I try not to wince as the nurse removes Carter's bandage, revealing her stitches. For the rest of her life, she's going to wear a battle scar, and I'll be proud of her for it—always wishing I could've fought the battle for her.

I knew Tish was the worst fucking creature on this planet, but I didn't realize she could sink to leaving her own daughter to die. I had the urge to hunt down the first junkie who hurt Carter, but the urge is even worse with Tish. I want to torture that woman and leave her to die so she knows exactly what she put Carter through.

Carter smiles up at the nurse. Even though she has to be in excruciating pain, she's trying to reassure someone else to make them feel better. She's the model example of a good person, and I want to be more like her.

The nurse tries to smile back, but it doesn't quite meet her eyes. Everyone here pretty much knows what happened—you can see it in their expressions. They just don't know what to say or how to handle her, and Carter's too embarrassed to do anything on her end.

Eventually the nurse finishes and leaves us, closing the door behind her. This is the first time it’s been just the two of us. Gabe and Kara are downstairs eating lunch with Kara's parents. They showed up a couple of hours ago. I like Kara's mom fine, but I'm glad their dad's gone. I didn't think I could hate the man more than I already do. He was almost inconvenienced to visit his own daughter. It says something when you're own wife, the woman who you cheated on, cares more about your out-of-wedlock-kid than you do.

I take my seat beside Carter's bed. I haven't moved since she was first admitted except to let the nurses and doctors in. The thought of leaving her is terrifying. Like something will happen again, only this time it'll leave her in permanent ruin. I guess I'm also afraid if I leave, she won't let me come back.

We haven't had the chance to talk about the letter. I'm not even sure if she remembers it. If she doesn't, I know I'll have to tell her. I'd rather wait until she's out of the hospital and comfortable, but this can't wait.

"Carter, we need to talk," I say slowly.

"I know," she says.

"So you remember the letter?"

"Yes," she admits.

I don't know what to say next. I want to tell her I love her, but what's that gonna do? It'll come across as in-genuine, as if I were just using the phrase as a way to make her see me in a better light. I just want her to know that even if she stops loving me after all this, I won't stop loving her.

"I already knew," she tells me so softly I can barely make out the words. "I knew Declan was dying. He told me a week or so before he passed away. Just showed up on our front porch and told me. I just didn't know … I didn't know he wanted to commit suicide or that you knew." She runs her hands over the hospital blanket on top of her, smoothing it out, distracting herself from her wavering words. "I didn't tell you about it because I didn't want to hurt you."

"It was the same thing here." I lean onto her bed, trying to get her to look at me. "I should've told you; then we could've been on the same page. I should've also told you he was suicidal. I just thought I had it under control. I was checking in on him and tracking where he went, and I tricked myself into thinking I could get a handle on him. But then … I was just so damn wrong. I guess I didn't want you to know he chose to die. I didn't want you to see him differently or as a coward, and I didn't want you feeling guilty. There's nothing anyone could've done to change his mind."

"But you did—didn't you? You saw him differently and thought you could change his mind?"

I swallow, trying to shove all of my rising emotions down. "Yeah."

She stares at me, determination in her eyes. "You couldn't have either. There was only so much we could've done—stopping him would've been impossible. All he wanted to do was say good-bye. He even asked me to take care of you when he was gone."

I can't help but chuckle. Of course he would. I need more taking care of than she does, the shooting aside. But even then, she handled herself. "He was more honest with me, but he asked me to take care of you, too." I bring my hand up to her face, running my thumb across the pretty curve of her cheek. "So what are you thinking? What about us?"

Her eyebrows furrow and her lips move as she fights to figure out what she wants to say and how to say it. "I was so mad at you for not telling me. I still am in a lot of ways."

"You're sure not showin' it."

"That's because I love you more than I could ever be angry with you. You might've not told me, but it's haunted you. You were going to tell me the truth, or at least someday you might have, but it was always going to be too late. And I can't really say anything because I was keeping his secret, too."

"Yeah, but it's nothing compared to knowing he was suicidal."

"He was dying, Boone. Suicide or OD or organ failure, he was dying. There was nothing we could do. We couldn't save him. I love you, Boone," she whispers.

I squeeze my eyes shut. I won't start crying like an idiot again. "If I hadn't been shot, I would've told you so that night. By the time I got to Declan's grave, I was already planning to come back to you. I had already forgiven you."

I open my eyes, not even bothering with narcissistic concerns. There are tears falling from her eyes also, and she's got a kind, angelic smile.

"I don't know what I'd have done if I'd lost you," I say. I don't know if I'm talking about the shooting or if she refused to forgive me.

I'm not sure she knows either. "You weren't going to lose me."

I grew up witnessing people cling to things that only made them desperate and half a person. After my mom passed, my dad found escape and solace in God and alcohol. Tish and Declan, because of their environment, clung to drugs as if they were predisposed and didn't have an option. They were all using infections to try to heal their wounds. I tried to do the same, but I ended up embracing and clinging to Carter instead.

She makes everything better. Tragedy, life, me. She is everything.

#

Two Years Later

“This a little macabre, isn’t it? Given the date?” Gabe asks from the passenger seat of my car.

“Just go along with me please?” I ask.

I don’t need to see the man to know I get an eyeroll. He’s managed to go from hate to somewhat dislike in his view of me—at least, according to Carter. It’s taken more than a few double dates, some serious groveling and making Carter as happy as ever to bridge the divide between us. I’ve had to work harder to change Gabe’s feelings than I’ve had to work on anything in my life, including my relationship with Carter. He does not forgive easily, that’s for sure.

Kara, on the other hand, treats me like I’m already her brother-in-law (or son-in-law, depending on how you look at it). I’m at every family dinner, function and event. Things are even scheduled around my calendar. It’s nice to have a family.

“Boone, I don’t mean to ruin your plans, but is this really necessary?” she asks from the middle of the backseat.

“Yes,” I tell her. “You’ll understand in a minute.”

I get their apprehension. Two years ago today was the day Carter was shot, and we’re heading into the very place where we found her. Honestly, I’m light-headed just thinking about revisiting Declan’s grave. I have nightmares where she’s on it, bleeding out, barely living—and I’m sure it’ll be much worse in person.

But this is for a good cause. I want to make a happy memory here, because there’s just so much bad. I only wish I could include Carter in our visit, too. But there’s a point to my madness, and she can’t be here.

She’s been taking classes at a local university, hoping to eventually earn a business degree. She’s all about bettering her business, which I’m all for. Especially if it means she’s gone a couple of nights a week, giving me the perfect opportunity to whisk Gabe and Kara away in secret.

I drive through cemetery and park next to Declan’s grave. Gabe and Kara paid to have a new headstone put in, just because the other one always seemed to have a blood-tint to it. No one else except for us could see it, but I think it would’ve been as spick-and-span as Mr. Clean’s head and we’d see the discoloring.

The three of us get out and head toward the grave. They have to already know what’s up. I’m wearing khakis and a button-down for goodness sake. Plus, I bought a bouquet of sunflowers for Kara and a gift card to a coffee house for Gabe.

I’m not going to say I’m trying to buy my way into their family … but I am.

Kara lays a sunflower on Declan’s grave and then faces me expectantly. Gabe puts his hands in his pockets.

“I brought you here because I want to … I want to ask the two of you, with Declan here also, for your permission to marry Carter.” To say I’m suddenly nervous is an understatement. I’ve gone over this a thousand times, but this is the first time I’ve legitimately considered that they might say they don’t give me their permission. I fumble in my pocket for the box with ring in it. I took all kinds of “What’s her style?” surveys and drug Jason’s wife shopping to finally find the perfect ring for my girl. I open the case.

Kara gasps. “Yes!”

I stare at her. Gabe does, too. “You’re not the one marrying him, Kara, but you sound like it.”

Kara covers her mouth and laughs. “I do, don’t I? I just mean, yes, of course you have my permission. We love you and want you to be a permanent part of our family.”

“You do?”

“Of course. You’ve loved her and cared for her more than anyone else has. Well, other than Gabe and I.”

I can’t help but smile. I’ve made a career out of loving Carter. I mean, I even went as far as to name her section of our store “Hart’s Home.” Not just because she’s become a sought-after admin and designer, but because I want her to be everywhere. I’d rename the town and planet, maybe even change language system, if it could all center around Carter Hart.

“Gabe?” I ask.

Gabe stares at me, then the ring. After a minute he finally nods. “Yeah. I say yeah.”

“Really?” I ask. Even if I’m at somewhat dislike, I’m still baffled.

“It was hard for me to like you because you were just another man in her life who was disappointing her. Between her dad and Declan, all I wanted was for her to find a man who would stand by her and love her the way she deserves. I had a picture in my mind of what that was, admittedly. Luke, mostly.”

I snort, because Gabe petitioned hard-core for Carter to date Luke after she was shot, but she refused. Thankfully, he accepted it and gave up. Gabe must be mentoring him because occasionally he mentions him. Carter’s made a couple of friends who she’ll say would be great for Luke. I’m sure he’s a great guy, but I’m glad he wasn’t the right guy for Carter.

“I wanted Carter to be with someone who loved her more than himself, who could challenge her and accept being challenged, and who would recognize what a beautiful gift she is. Most of all, I wanted someone to give her the best life possible,” he continues. “Took me longer than it should’ve to realize you’ve got that checklist covered.” He motions around us. “You brought us here, for God’s sakes. If that’s not a show of love, I don’t know what is.”

“Do you think he’d be okay with it, too?” I ask.

“Why’re you asking that? Of course, Declan would want you to marry Carter,” Kara assures me. “There’s no doubt in my mind that this is the life he would’ve wanted for you both.”

“Thank you,” I say.

“Now, give me a hug and let me touch that ring.”

#

I should’ve expected it, but Kara and Gabe’s “yes” comes with a demand: in order to have their official permission, they have to be here when I ask Carter.

Kara said, to be exact, “I’ll even hide in the bushes if you need me to.”

Of course, I wasn’t about to make Kara and Gabe hide in the damn bushes. Instead, I tell them to hide behind the jungle gym until I’ve asked Carter.

I decided to be less bleak and not include Declan in this part. Instead, I want it to be somewhere where I feel like Carter and I’s relationship is immortalized—the park. Even if the swings down represent our best moments, it’s a place where I’ve felt my love for her has burned the strongest.

Outside of the bedroom, of course, but that doesn’t need to be known by Kara and Gabe.

Carter doesn’t seem to think anything is out of the ordinary. She’s just her usual fun, witty self. We went to dinner before we came here, so she’s dressed in a pretty romper, with her hair curled and wearing lipstick that makes her lips look delicious.

Right now she’s swinging, talking about something I’m not listening to. I can’t hear her over my heart banging in my ears. When she goes up past me, I take the chance to sit up and get down on one knee.

As soon as she swings backward and sees me, she stops talking and her mouth opens wide. She sails past me a few times, looking completely dumbfounded. Eventually she shoves a sandaled toe into the ground and comes to a halt. “Boone Fell, are you doing what I think you’re doing?”

“I’m asking you to marry me, Junebug. I’m asking you to become Carter Fell and spend the rest of your life with me. The past two years have been the best of my life. For the first time, I’m proud of myself and I’m excited for the future. That’s all thanks to you. You’ve helped me to become a better friend, boyfriend and, hopefully soon, husband. So, June Carter Hart, will you marry me?”

Unlike her sister, Carter doesn’t blurt out an answer. Instead she covers her mouth with her hand and starts crying, nodding her head fervently.

“You can’t ever be done with me if you do,” I remind her. “You and me always.”

“I want that,” she manages and then launches toward me for a hug. I have to fight to stay upright.

From their hidey-hole, Gabe and Kara cheer. Carter, almost strangling me with love at this point, moves to see them. “You’re here?” she asks.

“Of course!” Kara says as they walk toward us. She and Gabe are both crying because that’s what they do. “I’m not going to miss one of my kid’s happiest moments.”

“Me either,” Gabe says. “Plus, I wanted to make sure he did this thing right.”

“Did I?” I ask.

Carter waves him off and then moves my face toward hers. She kisses me deeply. It’s the best kind of yes.

#

Four Years Later

"So, how're you holding up?" Jason asks, slapping my back.

"I'm still trying to wrap my mind around being married to the love of my life," I answer, tearing my gaze away from my now-wife. She's talking with some of Gabe's doctor friends. Gabe has his arm around her waist, playing the role of the proud father.

Jason chuckles. "You never will. Trust me."

I believe him. When I proposed to her, I was still trying to get used to the idea that Carter would want to date me. After I got a ring on her finger, it turned into wondering why she'd want to marry me. Now she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and all I can really say is I'm the luckiest guy in the universe. No one else gets to grow up with Carter, become best friends with her, fall in love with her, and marry her. She's mine, and I'm hers.

Forever.

I clench my teeth, fighting back a world of tears. Carter's stayed strong through this whole thing, but I've been a blubbering fool. I thought I'd only cry when I first saw Carter, but it's been that and more, starting with last night.

While Carter was spending the night with Gabe and Kara, I went to visit Declan. I've been bad about seeing him because I still envision Carter bleeding out on his grave. But I wanted to tell him that no matter how many seats we filled, there was always going to be one person missing. Hell, he would've been my best man. Might've walked Carter down the aisle with Gabe.

After that, I just gave up on steeling away emotions and all that shit. One look at Carter in her wedding gown and I'm lost to everything. The memory of her walking down that aisle toward me is on replay in my mind, even when I'm not looking at her.

"You're holding up stronger than I did," Jason says.

"Yeah, well, the thing about this family is they're all sympathetic criers. If one of ’em starts crying, they all do."

"Even Gabe?"

I snort. "Even Gabe." I didn't think I'd ever see eye-to-eye with the man, but we managed to become something like friends. Somewhere along the line, he realized we both want what's best for Carter, and we've only moved forward from there. "Speaking of which, I guess I'd better go get my socialization on."

"Of everything from my wedding, that's the one thing I hated."

"Yeah, well, I plan on blocking the experience out of my mind the second I get the chance." It's my turn to slap him on the back now. "Thanks for playing best man today. And for letting me borrow your kids."

"They stole the show. Cutest flower girls I've ever seen."

"I'll ignore your first comment and agree with the second."

I leave him and walk across Gabe and Kara's backyard to where Carter is talking. We decided to do the backyard wedding because our best memories are outside, a lot of them being where the trellis used to be (Gabe took it down after he caught me in Carter's room once, but the purpose was defeated because Carter moved in with me soon after).

Carter doesn't notice me heading toward her, giving me the time I need to prepare myself. I can charm her pants off, but the whole love thing still leaves me stuttering. I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

She's breathtaking. Her hair is pinned back with her veil tucked in it. Her dress is huge and what you'd picture in a fairytale, catching the light and sparkling. Better than anything is the gold band on her finger that matches mine. I can almost feel them pulling us together like magnets, reminding us we have forever to look forward to.

I sneak up and wrap my arms around her from behind, then nuzzle my face in her neck, not caring who I'm interrupting. She laughs and kisses my cheek. Her hands cover mine, holding me where I am.

"Hey, wife," I murmur, pressing my lips against her skin. I can feel a blush brew from her collarbone toward her face. "I love you."

"I love you, too, husband," she whispers back.

"Gabe, we're going to get to the cake before it disappears," one of the men she was talking to says. I look up and see the same guy whom I met a few years ago in this very backyard: Luke. Even though that wasn't under the best of terms, he gives me a nod now before they all walk off. As if I needed any more of a reminder about what I already know: I'm lucky Carter decided to give me her heart.

When all of the doctors are gone, Gabe mutters something under his breath, then, "What are you doing, Kara?"

I can't help thinking the same thing when I notice Kara. She's coming toward us with her mom and dad in tow. I can count the times I've met Ray on one hand and the number of times he's talked to me … shit, he's never talked to me. Probably because I went off on him once when he tried to dig into Carter.

"Carter, you look absolutely stunning," Deirdre gushes. "You're radiant."

Carter untangles from me to hug her. Their relationship is strange to me, but there's a whole lot of strange to the way we both grew up, so I guess I shouldn't question it. The only thing I can guess is Deirdre stopped looking at Carter like the product of an affair and more like a granddaughter. She even helped plan the wedding.

The same can't be said for Ray, of course, who doesn't look at Carter as anything. Good thing she doesn't look at him as anything either.

"Isn't she?" Kara says, nearly bouncing up and down. She's beaming. You'd think she's wearing the wedding dress instead of her maroon maid-of-honor dress. "I'm just so proud." She looks up from Carter and grabs my hand. "Of them both."

Kara's always reminded me of those videos or stories where an animal starts mothering all these other species because they don't have a mom. Even though I'm only a few years younger than her, she's taken me on as if I'm her family. The only thing I'm excluded from—which I think is just out of mercy—is the monthly dinners. Guess that won't be the case now that I've officially married into the family.

Deirdre clears her throat, giving Ray a look. Ray glares at her, then reaches into his suit coat. He pulls out a card with our names on it in decorative handwriting—clearly Deirdre's. "Here," he says, holding it out. I take the card, eyeing it like a poisonous snake.

"Tell them why you're giving it to them," Deirdre prompts.

"It's a gift from us."

"Because …"

"Because Carter is my daughter."

"And …"

"And I did the same thing for Kara and Gabe."

I hand the card to Carter to open. She does so carefully, and after she's read the front and opened it, she gasps. I nearly choke. There's a check inside written for an obscene amount of money.

"Wow," Carter says, out of breath. "That's … wow. Thank you."

Her dad doesn't say anything. Deirdre grins. One guess can tell you how this check came to be.

Kara reaches for the card. "Why don't I put this somewhere safe? That way we can be sure it gets to the bank."

Her dad grunts. "We should be going."

"No, we're staying," Deirdre says. "We still have to eat cake, and I'm dancing with Carter and Kara later."

She drags him off toward the direction of the cake. "Well, that was a wedding miracle if I've ever saw one," I say with a grunt.

Gabe laughs. "Welcome to the family. They're included. Luckily, I know how to hide."

"Ugh, Gabe!" Kara says.

I grin. "Teach me your ways." We all laugh but stop when I notice someone else we need to talk to hanging out at one of the tables. I lace my hand through Carter's. "How about we get all of the parents out of the way at once?"

We hug Kara and Gabe, then head over to him. He's been dry for two and a half years now, thanks to a woman he met at church. She wasn't able to make it today, so I'm was surprised he would still come. He's dressed in a button-down I didn't know he owned and a pair of slacks. With his gray hair combed back and his face not as gaunt, he's nearly unrecognizable. We aren't on the best of terms, but we're on better terms than we've been. I don't think we'll ever be in a place where my entire childhood is erased.

"Hi, Dad."

He looks up from the table and gives me a shaky smile. "Son."

"Thanks for coming," Carter says in a rush. "It means a lot to us."

"Good. Good." He stands up and starts fishing around in his pocket. "Listen, I, uh, know I wasn't the best father, and this whole thing has made me realize that, uh, we …" He trails off when he finds a black box. He doesn't finish what he was saying, which is probably as much of an amends or an apology as I'm ever going to get. He opens the box up and pulls out a ring. "This was Boone's mother's wedding ring and I'd like you to have it, Carter."

I blink.

"That was mom's?"

"Yeah."

Carter takes it and holds it out to me. I look at it in her palm. I've never seen anything of my mom's, and this ring has almost got me in a trance. I reach out and touch it, imagining I'll feel her or hear her.

"This means a lot to us," Carter tells my dad. "We'll treasure it."

"Well," he says and looks away. "Sorry." He doesn't say anything else, and I don't know what he's sorry for—his actions, not having words to say, everything. Before I can ask, he leaves. I'm not sure that I want to know.

"Now that was a miracle," Carter says with awe. "Do you want it for yourself? I'm not sure what we could do, but we could have the diamond reset …"

"No." I close her hand over the ring, looking up at her. "I want you to wear it." I try to keep my hand steady as I pull back. My hands have been working against me all day—going berserk when I shook Gabe's hand during the ceremony, when I slipped Carter's wedding band on her finger, and now. "I've been thinking lately about how … I haven't had anyone who fills in the gaps for me like you do. Maybe when my mom passed, she guided me to you. It might be weird or stupid …"

She manages to slip the ring on then cups her warm hands over my cheeks. She wobbles in her heels as she stands up on her toes. "It's not. I love you for thinking that way, because I believe you're right."

"Thank you." I press my lips against hers. "I want you to keep it because of that."

"If that's what you want."

"I do." I back away from her but twine my hand with hers. "Speaking of what I want, I'd like to give you something."

She gives me a curious smile. "Okay."

"We, uh, have to go inside the house."

Her smile falters. "Lead the way, husband."

I chuckle, loving the way that sounds. Luckily, no one questions us for leaving. I'm sure it means they're only taking the opportunity to silently judge us. All I can say is that we're a married couple and we're allowed to disappear as much as we want. I just want a minute alone with my wife.

"I think we should save this part for the honeymoon, Mr. Fell," she teases.

"Is that what you really want, Mrs. Fell?" I joke back as I push open her old bedroom door. She follows me in, not noticing anything out of the ordinary. For a split second, I can't even remember why I brought her here. All I can hear is the Mr. and Mrs. Fell part of things.

I reach for her, ignoring the massive amount of fabric surrounding her. I'd gladly die of suffocation if it meant getting to kiss her. She immediately moves her hands toward my tie, pushing it aside to find the buttons of my shirt. I lost my suit coat somewhere between the pictures and cutting the cake. I'm glad for it. Fewer clothes we have to remove and find later.

Our mouths ravish each other, fighting to be closer. Whatever magnetism it is between the rings—or us—it feels as if it were at full force. It could just even be the pure magic of knowing she and I belong together now. We're not only facing the world together, but we're now facing a future. Loving her was the best decision I've ever made in my life, but letting her love me was the turning point.

The backs of my knees hit her bed and we topple. Her mass of a dress weighs us down, somehow managing to cocoon us. Or kill us.

"If you're trying to murder me for the life insurance money …" I trail off, grinning up at her.

She falls into a fit of laughter, struggling to get up off me and the bed to right herself. When she's up, she pats down at the dress, red in the face. When she looks up, her fit of giggles cuts off.

"What is that?"

My grin grows. "My gift."

Her eyes are wide and her eyebrows are nearly touching her hairline. This is an expression I hope I remember forever. "You did that for me?"

"Yep. With the help of your sister and Alex."

I track her as she passes the bed and heads straight for what I've spent the last two months stressing over. I had Jason sneak it up here, with the help of Gabe, when we had some downtime today. I'm just glad they got it up here without damaging the thing.

It's a huge collage of all of the notes I've ever written her, including the bad ones. I had Alex and Kara do the gluing because that part made me nervous as hell. I might be handy, but I'm not artsy. The one thing I did attempt to do that turned out well was welded some metal together to make little flowers. The girls spent time adding plastic gems and glitter to them to make them stand out. There's only a few so not to distract for the notes, but Kara said it would make the creation stand out. She was right.

Carter runs her fingers along the notes, focusing the longest on the ones that are my favorite. When she lands on Because I loved you too much, she turns to look at me with tears in her eyes.

"This is gorgeous, Boone."

I walk toward her and wrap my arms around her. "You like it."

"I love it. It means everything to me that you made this. You're the best man in the entire world. I love you, Boone. So much."

I kiss her head, squeezing my eyes shut. "We've got a whole history, Carter. It's longer than any road map can show, and I just wanted it to be a part of our new beginning."

This time, when we kiss, I think of how I don't have to leave her notes anymore because I can tell her everything. She's my best friend, my wife, and the woman whom I used to write to in search of a future. The truth is, she is my future, just like she is my past and present.

My everything.

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