The Viking's Mate Hunt

CHAPTER 154

I had no idea what that meant, mate? But I did nothing besides staring back at her with all my questions held captive inside my head.

"I expected you to be happy."

The queen's once serene countenance contorted into a mask of disdain, causing me to avert my gaze as if I had been scorched. Unbeknownst to me, I had inadvertently locked eyes with her, a breach of some unspoken protocol. It felt wrong. It made me feel wrong.

"I don't know what that means.."

Clenching my sweater in my lap, I stuttered like an idiot.

"Of course you don't! But that doesn't matter! The queen gives you a gift; few can say they ever experienced that, and you don't even thank me? "

Again, I found myself struggling with shame and insecurity. I can't forget myself here; I can't lose myself. Because I know this woman's silver tongue is covered in slow-working poison. I already feel her words making sense despite knowing they are nonsense. Despite knowing this, feeling a dark trap wrapping around my will, I heard myself mutter in a low whisper,

"I am sorry."

"I am sorry? Is that an excuse in your world? Oh, goddess, help me; this might take more work than I expected. No. My queen, if I offended you, please find it in your heart to forgive an uneducated peasant who didn't know better. It was not my intention to do so, my queen."

Swallowing hard, I nodded as she spoke, holding back everything that was creating chaos inside of me. But after a few seconds of silence, I look up to see her arching a perfectly shaped brow. Waiting with her arms now crossed over her chest,

"Yes? I am waiting for the proper excuse; before that, I will assume you intended to offend me with your rude behavior."

Stunned, my mind went blank for a moment. Was she serious? She expected me to repeat what she said? Scolding and teaching me the `right way to go` like a rebellious child? It didn't take me long to answer myself, yes. Yes, she did. My mouth moved on its own, opening and closing like a fish struggling to breathe out of water. My hands felt sticky, and my hair stuck to my sweaty forehead while I struggled to find my words. I fought to find the courage to actually use my voice and answer.

Again, I stared at her desk, feeling her eyes burn on my skin. I tried clearing my throat, but the awkward cough made things even worse when I wanted to do it as quietly as possible. I cleared my throat two more times while shifting awkwardly on my blanket-covered chair. When I finally spoke, it didn't feel like my voice. I didn't want it to be me, and I felt like being close to this woman picked apart the woman I used to be. It molded me back into that scared and insecure girl I once was. And the worst part, I didn't know how to fight it. I didn't know how to stop it or change it. Instead, I kept on disappointing myself and cowered for this woman.

"If I offended you, please find it in you to forgive an uneducated peasant, my queen. I did not mean to do that."

"Goddess, give me strength. However, how poorly executed, I guess you tried.. a little. But worry not, little girl; I will see to it that you get some much-needed help. You do not have to overwork your head with any of it. But one thing at a time, your mate. I have assigned one for you, and he has accepted. Since you are both without mentionable status, there is no ceremony, but considering the circumstances, the marking will be observed to ensure it will be done correctly. The plan was to have a dress fitted for the occasion, but considering we only have four days, I will send you to the Lilifolia caste immediately. Beth has years of experience with unschooled girls, and her records are impressive. "

I heard her talking and saw her long, slender hands wave around as she gesticulated. However, I didn't get it. Mates, marks, Lilifolia? I don't ask; I don't know why, but I don't want her to know I don't understand what this means. I don't want to prove her right, that I am uneducated and stupid. I spaced out, and she talked while I stared at the surface of her desk. Words without meaning filled my head, and I swallowed hard. Over and over again, I pushed back the lump forming in my throat. I forced my eyes to keep open; scared tears would form and spill over if I dared to blink.

The rest happened in a haze. A dark, threatening haze blurred the world around me as I walked down the hallway. I knew I walked behind the queen's guard; I knew I moved on my own and kept breathing, but I didn't know how. It all happened by itself. I followed mindlessly, and my eyes burned as a familiar helpless feeling devoured me- a sensation I had deleted from my existence so many years ago. I had blocked this feeling from my life by pure determination and stubbornness. Memories had been stored behind the same walls, and I had been so proud of this. It made me feel strong and in control for the first time in my life, managing to claw my way past it all. I made that dark time into a hidden space beneath the stairs I climbed as I formed the life I wanted. I formed the person I needed to be.

My stomach rumbled as it threatened to empty its contents at any given moment; the humping and jumping movements of the little carriage I sat in; did not help! Sweat trickled down my back, and a slight tremble spread in my muscles as the need grew. And I knew it was only a matter of time before the painful spasms took over. It happened so much faster this time, and the feverish sensation exploded inside of me. It spread like wildfire down my skin, burning and aching. I did my best to take deep breaths, to keep calm because I knew what was in store for me. I knew this path; I had created this path for myself, and I knew there was no running away.

I had to be sick; nausea filled my stomach and pressed up behind my ribs. My body fought to hold it back, fought to hold me up, but the dizziness tipped the scale. I saw my environment rush by me as I fell forward. Pain shot through me, and I gasped, curling up on the wooden floor. Blinking through tears, I was at my weakest when the doors swung open. Bright sunlight burned my eyes, and I just gave up. I closed them. Barely registering the female voice barking orders,

"Another one? No wonder my hair is grey! Bring her to the basement; cell number 7 is ready."