radicalducati A New Journey
A New Journey
Tristan
I had made a mistake. A great one. One that I couldn’t undo no matter how much I wished.
Cora handed me the diary as we all stood outside the hospital. The morning winds were bitterly cold or maybe, it was just the cold within me.
"This is Celine's diary," she said, her demeanour different today, unlike the times when she used to follow me around in an attempt to make me acknowledge the mate bond I had been denying until now. Of course, I knew the reason—she had seen the kind of person I had become.
And who would ever want to be with a man like me? Worthless.
I hadn't done this right. I made Athena pay a price she wasn't supposed to pay—all that pain and suffering just to see her child's face once. She had endured too much for my revenge, a revenge I shouldn't have sought in the first place. But what else could I do? I wanted to hurt Sebastian, and she was the only one who truly mattered to him in this entire world.
Celine died to save Athena. Had I made her sacrifice go in vain by putting Athena through all of this? Would she ever forgive me when we meet on the other side?
Celine...
My eyes finally moved to the diary when Cora broke eye contact, hesitantly.
"Is this really Celine's?" My voice trembled as I opened the diary.
"Yes, it is," Vincent spoke up, “We couldn't give it to you yesterday because... forget it, just read it. I hope it'll help you move on. I'm sure you still have your own doubts about what I said, but you know her. She'd never lie, especially to her diary."
"Yes, she'd never," A melancholic smile broke on my face, and a tear slid down on its own. "Diaries were her best friends."
I flipped the page, and her writing unfolded before me—these were her words. They didn't carry her scent or warmth, but they held something unmistakably hers. Maybe because within these pages, she'd poured her very soul—a part of herself she had taken with her.
"I left him today. Yes, I left him. What a strange journey it is! I'm leaving my mate to become someone's mistress, to be with a man I despise to my core, a man who will never care for me or respect me. Will it all be worth it in the end? To seek revenge for my father's death, which is ultimately the sole purpose of my mother's life, the reason she breathes? But... to exact it, I have to abandon my reason. My reason for living, my Tristan. Maybe it won't be worth it, but there's no way to take a step back." (August 15th, 2021)
My chest tightened, and it became hard to breathe.
God, why hadn't I stopped her that day? I could have locked her in our room and never let her leave until this idea vanished from her mind. Why had I given up so soon, thinking that no matter how much I begged more, she would never stay?
"I slept with him today. It feels like someone has burned my body to ashes. It's not because of Sebastian Valdez. It's because of me. I feel disgusted with myself because every time he touched me, he made me feel like an object indeed, and, at that moment I remembered all the promises Tristan and I had made to each other and how I broke them for the sake of revenge. If Vincent's wife were alive, would he have left her for revenge just like he and my mom made me do it? Maybe not." (October 2nd, 2021)
Why, Celine? Why did you do this to yourself?
"It seems like Sebastian is not even that terrible of a person after all. Indeed, he doesn't respect me that much because I simply don't hold that place in his life. But he doesn't hurt me as well. He doesn't hurt anyone without a reason. So, why do people fear a man cursed with a curse that is slowly draining his life away, making him nothing but a walking dead man? What's there to fear, and what's there to seek revenge for when he's dead himself?" (November 4th, 2021)
I sniffled and flipped to the next page. Some of her notes were filled with self-loathing, while others were filled with sentiments like these: "It feels weird. I rejected Tristan before I came all the way here. He probably doesn't even know why I did it. Does he hate me? Has he moved on? It's not that I don't want him to move on, but at the same time, a part of me wishes that somewhere in a corner of his heart, he'd still keep a place for me, where maybe, after my death, I could live as long as he breathes. Again, it's weird, but it's what I really want." (December 23rd, 2021)
Some were filled with doubt and confusion, while others were full of agony.
"Who cries on New Year's Day? I don't know. I've never cried on New Year, no matter how the circumstances were. But today, I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. Surprisingly, I wasn't the only one crying. Sebastian Valdez, a cursed monster to everyone, is crying too, holding his mother's letters that I might never find the courage to read. I don't want to admit it, but at some point, we share the same fate. He craves love but can't accept it, and I had my chance at love but had to let it go. What a world we're all living in." (January 1, 2021)
I couldn't hold back my tears at this point.
She had lived a life like that... without me.
"Athena. It's a weird name, isn't it? But now it seems like, even though I don't want to, I have to make another enemy. That woman looks innocent, and I guess she is. It doesn't feel right to include her in all these plans, but Mom won't let me, I already know it. And Vincent? Once he gets to know about her, all he'd want is to kill her to avenge his mate's death. I can't blame him. Even though I am now miles apart from Tristan, I know that if anyone dared to hurt him, I would have killed them too. Love's strange because it makes you willing to kill someone for them but at the same time, it makes you hurt that very person." (March 19th, 2022)
"I love you, Celine. I will always love you," a whisper slipped past my lips as I traced my fingers over her handwriting. They held her essence.
As I flipped to the next page, there were a few more notes.
I wanted to stop reading, but at the same time, I couldn't. It was hurting me beyond extreme, but I also wanted to understand how much it must have hurt her to write all of it, because this wasn't a story; it was her reality.
"That woman knows how to love. Athena knows how to love. Because despite everything, all the pain Sebastian intentionally put her through just to push her away, all she did was extend her hand to him. She loves him a lot, and the best thing is that she knows how to love right. I know it because I know how to love, but I couldn't do it right. Maybe that's why I'm here. So disgusted with myself that I can't even consider taking a step back after all of this hopefully ends. I will forever be stuck here, in this person I have turned myself into. I hate myself—the Celine Thompson I have become for the sake of revenge... that now... doesn't even feel right." (July 27th, 2022)
"It's all going to end soon. Hopefully. I feel guilty that as all of it's ending, I have begun to think of going back to him. But this won't be right. He doesn't need a low-life woman like me in his life. I have nothing to give him because all of me that I had, I have already sacrificed, and why would I ever want Tristan, the one I love, to spend his whole life mending what he hasn't even broken? I probably won't be able to forgive myself anyway because I, too, am going to be a murderer. The one I had always feared becoming." (August 5th, 2022)
"I am having doubts. I saw Tristan the other day; he was crossing the road. He looked as good as ever. I had been reading articles about him for a long time. He has saved countless lives, just like the man he is. A good man. I feel like laughing when I look at myself in the mirror because I, too, once had a dream like that—he and I thought of saving lives together. But we have parted ways, in fact, I slipped away. Now, I am here plotting murders, and he's out there fulfilling our dreams. I hope he'll always keep doing that and not become like me." (October 15th, 2022)
I felt guilt crawling up my insides.
Celine didn't want this. But I... ruined everything. I put Athena through what she never deserved to go through. I tortured a child who was still in his mother's womb. I made that safest place unsafe for him.
What had I done? No, God. What the hell have I done?
I flipped through her notes, finding more where she'd solely expressed that one wish: that I wouldn't become the very monster I'd already become. How do I put it all back in place when I've ruined it with my own hands?
"So, today's apparently the end. Honestly, I'd never liked Athena quite much because she always had so many dreams in her eyes than I ever would. And now, she's pregnant. It makes me feel guilty to know that I am taking the lives of not one but two innocents. And Sebastian? I don't think death is what scares him, nor would it affect him. So, what's a worse punishment than death? Maybe watching your loved ones die before your eyes. If Sebastian hadn't loved Athena, maybe, just maybe for once, Vincent and my mother would have considered sparing her life. But who doesn't know that the once-cursed Alpha has fallen in love with his mate, whom he says he despises from his core? It's the opposite. He loves her, and even though he's a monster, made by his father's sins, I think he has a heart. And I don't know if I'd be able to forgive myself after today, but I know I have to because if I make it out alive today and the tables don't turn on me—I'd, for once, just once, meet Tristan and say a proper goodbye. And I hate to admit it, if he asks me to say, I’d….stay.” November 16th, 2022)
End...
This was the end. The last day she ever got to write down her thoughts or maybe ever had the chance to think.
A sob broke through as I traced her writings with my fingers.
"I am sorry, Celine. I am so sorry...."
"Don't be. You are not the one at fault, and I think she believes it too," Cora gently rested her hand on my shoulder as she flashed me a soft smile. There were tears in her eyes too.
Before I could think twice, I found myself pulling her into my embrace. I needed her. I needed someone's warmth and, to be specific, someone I knew would understand me.
She hesitated for a second before her hands came to wrap around me. I buried my head in her embrace, my pain gripping onto me more intensely than ever.
"I lost her. If I had stopped her or even got a hint of what was going on with her life, she would still be alive."
"That was her fate. That was the life she chose, and there's nothing you could have done to bring her back. Yes, you regret it, but still, it was her choice, and choices can only be undone if we wish to. She would never wish it, especially when she didn't even consider herself worthy of you anymore. The world was cruel to her, but I am sure she's happy wherever she is," She spoke, gently rubbing my back.
"I am sorry..." These words left my mouth on their own.
"What?"
Before I could speak, a voice broke through. I saw Vincent walking towards us, and both of us pulled away. The warmth was instantly gone yet lingering somewhere deep within. Sparks.
"Guys, both Athena and the boy are safe. We have won this fight."