The Finish Line

Chapter 44

Everything inside me turned to melted chocolate. It happened so fast, from feeling to action, that I didn’t have time to process my actions. I didn’t want to.

“You make me feel like I’m someone else,” I whispered against his ear.

The engine sounds grew louder, as if he were trying to get somewhere, the faster the better. We both were.

His fingers brushed across the silk that covered me and I closed my eyes against the onslaught of sensation, the tingling pressure the tips of his fingers brought. Flashes of the night before, outside by his barn, went through my mind as I spread my legs wider.

He touched me again, one slow drag of his finger down the length of my satin covered sex, and I moaned outright. I knew what he could do to me, the ecstasy he could bring.

Desire became a tangible thing in that moment. Jordan stroked mine with his fingertips, feather-light touches that sent my system into overdrive. It wasn’t that I was being touched, it was who touched me that fueled my need.

Over and over I gasped his name, each slide of his fingers dampening the silk barrier between his skin and mine. And then, with utility poles and trees passing at an impossible rate, I tossed my head back and begged for something I couldn’t comprehend. I begged with a howl, my fingers twisting in my shirt.

I really had no idea what it was that I wanted him to do, no real concept of what my entire body tensed for, until he gave it to me. He knew. He’d given it to me before. Jordan’s fingers slipped beneath my panties and touched me there.

The gentlest of touches, over and over, as I broke across the rocks of pleasure like a rogue wave. I cried out, shaking in the truck, as our little town came into view in the distance.

For the longest time, I sat, gasping and shaking on the seat beside him. There had never been anything like that in my life. Never, not with anyone. It was possibly the most risqué thing I’d ever done. So many things with Caleb had left me tainted. With Jordan I was bolder, more alive, I was free.

“Oh…my…God.” I tossed my head back on the seat and laughed as he turned on the highway that headed back into town. The smug, self-satisfied look on his face that should have made him look too cocky made him more attractive.

I readjusted my clothing as I trembled with the aftershocks, but I didn’t panic, I didn’t think of anything but him.

I’d lived in the moment with Jordan. Or rather, he’d given me a moment to live. He didn’t ask for anything in return. When I tried, when I snaked my hand down his chest, he grabbed it and brought it to his lips. I was getting used to him doing that.

“No.” He kissed my knuckles and then the inside of my wrist. “What did you mean by ‘someone else’?”

I shifted one shoulder and looked out the window. I didn’t notice any of the familiar landmarks we passed. I couldn’t explain it to him and keep my secrets.

“You can trust me, Rae.”

The earnest sound in his voice forced my eyes closed. It was about trust, wasn’t it? I’d told myself I didn’t want to be pitied, but how could I worry about that after what he’d told me? I had to trust that he

wouldn’t think worse of me, wouldn’t see me as I saw myself.

My secrets ate at me. They would eventually tear me open from the inside out. They would poison me, poison my happiness.

His lips pressed against my hair when he pulled to a stop in front of the old barn where he stored the truck. With the late afternoon sun ducking behind the trees, it was cooler in the shade cast by the building. So, I sat there for a while, trying to put my nightmare into words.

“Sometimes the first words are the hardest,” he whispered gently, as if he could read my thoughts.

He was right, there was no argument, so I dove right in. I had to. “I dated a guy, for about a year when I was gone, it didn’t exactly end well.”

Jordan didn’t say a word. He stared out across the field, past the barn, for so long that nervous butterflies started to build in my chest. They carried the words I needed to say but couldn’t find. They fought ever upward until they tumbled out of my mouth. “His name was Caleb. Good looking kid, in a lot of the same classes. He was local, knew a lot of people, and I didn’t know anyone. I was used to being here, knowing everyone, it was nice to have something similar there.

“He kept me from feeling so homesick, but…” I took a trembling breath. “He was so different from what I knew.”

“From me?” He didn’t look at me, much as I hadn’t looked at him in the diner. He gave me my space without leaving my side.

I swallowed back my shame on a quick nod of my head. “It was nice at first. I liked having his attention, I wasn’t used to that either. He said all the things that I thought I wanted to hear.” All the things I’d always wanted Jordan to say, but hadn’t. “He never told me to go. Even if I threw little fits for his attention.”

Beside me, Jordan flinched at the unintentional jab. “The longer it went on the more possessive he got.

I knew better, but I held on. I was isolated out there, at the time I didn’t have much of a choice but to stay with him. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have anyone else.”

“You could have come home, called me, called—”

I gave him a look and stopped short of rolling my eyes. “No, Jordan, I couldn’t.” Needing more space than I could find in the cab of the truck, I climbed out and walked to the fence. I took a deep, cleansing breath. Just a hint of honeysuckle and summer to settle my nerves. “After the last time I saw you, I couldn’t call you. I wanted to prove to myself I didn’t need you…or anyone else.”

Beside me his presence was quiet. I knew he was there without looking. When he spoke, it was my turn to look off into the field.

“I’m sorry, Raelynn, I didn’t mean for it to be like that.”

“There’s no reason for you to apologize. I think I blamed you for a lot, at first. But over the past few weeks, I’ve realized you had to do it. You love Devin too much. He’s your family, like Aiden and the rest of us. I know you’ll try to feel guilty about it, but really you can’t. I’ve always done my own thing, been my own person.” I rocked my shoulder against his. “How many times have you told me how stubborn I was?”

“I don’t think you get it, Rae. It wasn’t all because of Devin and it never really has been. Yes, he was a factor but…fuck…you were always so young, so innocent.” He shook his head. “It felt wrong. I couldn’t let myself look at you like that, I was supposed to protect you. We all were. It was our job to take care of you and Breanna.”

“And you did.” I smiled at him. I no longer saw the boy who broke my heart, but the man who’d believed he had no other choice. “Not many guys had the courage to ask me out when I was in high school. They were afraid of my brother and his friends.”

“I get the feeling I didn’t do too well,” he growled. His shoulders were set, his jaw tight. There was anger, anger because he couldn’t protect me. So angry already and he didn’t know the half of it.

“You can’t protect everyone all the time, Jordan.” I spoke quietly. When his only reply was a grunt, I gave up and started pulling at stray thread from my shorts. “Why do you do that? Why do you feel like you have to protect everyone?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because I got so good at protecting myself from everyone but…” He studied his hands. “I couldn’t protect myself from the person who should have loved me the most.”

I leaned my head against his shoulder. “Your mom

should have protected you.”

He pulled the hat from his head and rubbed his hand across hair so short it was barely visible. “Yeah well, what’s done is done, we can’t change it.”

How would he feel when he realized he couldn’t protect me? How much blame would he place on himself? For the first time, there was an overwhelming desire to protect him from my truth. “Exactly. Do you want me to stop now?”