radicalducati 50
50
Jenny’s POV
“There is still a chance for you to be with your mother” he said firmly.
I was astounded by the seriousness in his voice.
Was he testing me? Or did he really mean it?
“You think I want you to die so I can finally get my freedom? You really think I would wish for your death? For your family to grieve your loss? For your mom to lose a son after her husband? Just to get out of Snow?” I ask incredulously.
“No, I know you wouldn’t wish for something like that. I was merely stating the facts” he said quietly.
I looked at him for a long time, trying to comprehend what the hell is going on in his head.
“Why would you say something like this Alex? I don’t want anything to ever happen to you, even if that means I have to stay in Snow my whole life” I said emotionally.
“You’re okay with being stuck with me for the rest of your life?” he whispered.
“You’re not…. That horrible to live with. And your family are so lovable I wouldn’t mind living with all of you. A huge part of why I hated Snow was because of my father, because my life was miserable. But now it’s not anymore” I said honestly.
“I want to ask you somethings. And before I do that, I will remind you of a certain rule we talked about in the car….”
“I remember the rule. Ask away” I said determinedly.
I knew this was coming from a mile away. I was dreading that question all day long, and I just wanted to get this over with and never open that subject again.
I just wanted him to be safe even if I have to keep some boundaries between us. It was better that way.
“When we kissed yesterday morning, I know you were enjoying it, I’m quite sure of that, but then all of a sudden, your joy faded and there was a sadness that washed over you. What happened at that moment? What brought that feeling on? And why did you decide to act like there was nothing between us ever since?” he asked intently.
They were the exact questions I never wanted to answer or tell the truth about.
However, he wasn’t going to let it go. He wasn’t going to give up on this until he got his answers.
Lying about it and telling him that I didn’t feel anything for him when we kissed, that the kiss meant nothing to me was my best shot at ending this whole thing before it even starts. Saving me from what my mind was constantly trying to warn me about. That this thing between us was not going to end well.
I tried to do that yesterday, and because I was such a terrible liar, he saw right through it. Lying will just piss him off further.
Here goes nothing….
“Honestly, I wondered deeply how someone so in love with a girl that he was about to marry barely two weeks ago was already moving on and kissing another. Unless she wasn’t the love of your life, this thing between us doesn’t make any sense. And then something else occurred to me, because the possibility of you forgetting Melanie after that very short time seemed so impossible, that I thought maybe this was a rebound thing, just to forget her and get over her, and then I thought maybe it was none of those things, maybe it was just for sex since I’m available and legally your wife. After which I concluded that I don’t wish there to be anything between us other than a friendly relationship. I still want that, if you can manage it, if not, then I will move on to another bedroom when we get back to Snow” I said intensely.
I delivered the whole speech without stuttering or struggling to convey my feelings. I let it all out and I felt like there was a weight that got lifted off me.
He was listening to every word I was speaking tentatively.
He looked a little hurt and I knew I have hurt him with what I said. Which part of my answer did that exactly though? I had no clue.
“So you thought I was basically just using you? That I was playing you to get in your pants?” he asked tightly.
I bit my lip, considering how to best express my emotions to him.
“What else did you want me to think Alex? Those were the explanations my mind came up with to explain your actions” I said defensively.
He furrowed his eyebrows as he said emotionally “And your mind never considered the possibility that I kissed you because I was developing feelings for you? Why is that possibility so far fetched you never even considered it? Why did you prefer to make me out as the bad guy who is just using you just to please myself?”
“Because you’re still in love with Melanie!” I whisper shouted at him as stupid tears; of god knows what, were starting to pool inside my eyes.
I carried on frantically “Ever since the first time I brought up her name in front of you, I knew just how much you love her. That kind of love doesn’t just go away overnight! Or in two weeks for that matter! So yes, having feelings for me while you’re still hung up on your ex fiancée doesn’t make any sense”
My irritating tears were falling down the second I finished my last word, and I had to; not so discreetly, turn my head away from him to compose myself and wipe them away.
He didn’t say anything as I kept my face turned to the other side, taking deep calming breaths to steady my raging emotions.
“Look at me” he said tensely.
I didn’t want to. Looking into his eyes will make me lose all the control I was just barely trying to get on my emotions.
“Jenny” he warned.
I closed my eyes briefly, opened them, and slowly turned to look at him.
His face was deeply emotional, it caused my heart to stutter. He was looking into my eyes with such intensity, with a warmth that consumed me wholly.
He cupped my face with his hands tenderly and spoke passionately “I want you to believe every single word that comes out of me now. Believe in them, memorize them, and keep them in your heart because I know that it will never make you doubt them or forget them, no matter what happens. I… am…NOT… in love with Melanie anymore. There is no part of me that even thought about her since the day she broke up with me. It’s not because the love that we had meant nothing to me. I loved her so much, I loved her with my whole heart, and that’s exactly why I was able to let her go the moment she ended things. Because my heart was no longer beating for her anymore, not after she left it and turned her back on it so easily. You bringing up Melanie didn’t piss me off because I was still in love with her, I was pissed off because my heart that I gave to her was. It was betrayed and broken and wanted no mention of her at all to stay beating, to stay alive. I thought my heart branded her name on it and was never going to engrave someone else’s name again after what she made it go through and the pain she caused it to feel. But it did. It burned off her name and engraved another, yours, letter by letter, just like I was falling for you day after day. There is still the letter ‘Y’ left. And it won’t engrave it until you tell me exactly where you stand after this. Friends or something more?”
His tender delicate touch on my cheeks, his heart melting words, his intense affectionate voice, even the way he spoke about his heart carving my name made me want to close my eyes, and bury myself deep inside it, let it cover me, embrace me, warm me, and most of all, what I was afraid of the most, I never ever wanted it to let me go. I wanted to be buried there, and never let anything get me out of it.
But reality was, he was walking a very dangerous road, playing a very deadly game with highly capable people.
He was going to end up….. I don’t even want to think about it let alone say it out loud.
It was the exact reason Melanie walked away, I realized at that moment.
Although he never said it. But it was the only explanation why two people crazily in love together would break up right as they were about to get married.
She was scared to watch him die like his father did. She didn’t want to be heartbroken over him, so she broke both their hearts and walked away.
But at least that heart break was metaphorical.
She spared herself the unbearable agony of his actual loss had she stuck around.
I totally understand her, even if he doesn’t.
And now, I wanted to do the same thing to him. I wanted to tell him that I don’t want to love him because I’m afraid of losing him. Losing him as a friend is completely different than losing him as a lover.
The feelings are different.
The touches.
The laughs.
The kisses.
The hugs.
The… love.
All of those will feel different on so many levels if we were living them as two people in love rather than just friends.
“Say something…. Please” he begged in a small voice.
I felt like my heart wanted to tear itself out of my chest and join his, because it felt that what I was about to say was going to go against what it so desperately wanted, and it just wanted to go against me, to prevent me, to control me.
I opened my mouth to say the words so many times while he desperately waited.
I tried, I really did, I wanted to say them:
We’re friends Alex. We shouldn’t be something else.
Eventually, the stress and the pressure of not knowing whether to choose what I wanted or what I needed took its toll on me, and I completely broke down into quiet long sobs.
He took me into his protective arms and brought my head over to his chest as he hugged me intensely.
I held on to him, and clutched his jacket, desperately yearning for some sense of safety and security, for some sense of comfort and tenderness.
“Talk to me please. Tell me everything bothering you, everything making you feel this way Jenny. Don’t hide anymore, it kills me to see you struggling like this without being able to do something to stop it. Talk to me” he said frantically.
I just shook and sobbed silently against his chest. Letting out all my frustration, all my fear, and all my pain into my tears.
He held on to me for a very long time as he let me cry it out.
His tightly wrapped arms around me, never loosened as they continued to give me all the support I needed, all the support I craved to have with me for a very long time.
Eventually, I calmed down enough to have the courage to look him in the face again.
He felt me moving against him, as he let go of his hold around my body, and brought his warm hands back to cup my face again.
When our eyes met, I saw his tearful eyes and some dried tears on his face.
“Why are you crying?” I asked in a raspy voice.
“Because you are” he said simply.
I furrowed my eyebrows at him and he clarified tenderly “I couldn’t hear you crying so painfully like that without being affected. You made my heart weep for you Jenny. Talk to me, tell me what’s got you into this state? Why are you struggling so hard to tell me what you’re feeling?”
I try to look away but he doesn’t give me a chance to as he traps me in place with his hands, holding my face gently.
“Don’t, please. Don’t go quiet again just say it! Say everything you’re thinking about. Help me understand what you’re going through” he said intensely.
I can’t keep it in anymore, and I go off at once, expressing everything, admitting all my feelings, just to stop the pain.
“I….. I like you Alex. More than I can care to admit even to myself. Those kisses we shared…. They only intensified those feelings and I…. I got scared of going into something I wasn’t even sure if it was real or not. I didn’t believe that you would actually like anything about me. I felt insecure and… I also felt afraid that you were just trying to get over her by trying something with me, and that maybe you would change your mind later and decide that you can’t get over that break up by being with me. And then….. Then I was afraid of the possibility of both of us loving each other so deeply, only for you to be killed by someone. Like what happened to your father. It was the thing that made me decide to stop anything form developing between us. It’s the only thing stopping me from telling you how I really feel. I’m afraid of loving you, then losing you against my will. I’m afraid of you leaving me alone and drowning me with the pain of everything we will not have anymore if I lose you. It will destroy me into nothing and I didn’t want to feel that much pain. I’m afraid of loving you Alex and it hurts beyond anything I can imagine to keep resisting that feeling especially after you poured your heart out to me so passionately. I’m just….. So scared of the future. Scared of… being left alone again” I said tensely as my tears continued to stream down my face.
He was looking at me in agony and I wished I could read his thoughts at that moment.
I take a deep breath and speak sadly “I know that’s why Melanie broke up with you, and I just did the same thing because of the same reasons. You probably thought of her then as selfish or…. Maybe you thought her love for you wasn’t deep enough but you’re wrong. She had two options and she chose the one that will hurt less for her, the one that will break her for a while but will eventually heal, unlike the other one which will be something that no amount of time can ever heal again. And maybe it is…. Kind of selfish of us to only think about ourselves, about our own feelings and disregard yours….maybe that’s why we don’t deserve your love”
His agony turned to anguish as he said softly “You’re not the same Jenny. You and Melanie are completely different. Melanie….she knew what she was getting herself into, I told her how risky it was in that town and she still chose to love me, she knew we were currently in danger, and she still chose our love over herself. But when push came to shove, she got scared. She abandoned that love like it didn’t exist and ran away. While you, despite having some feelings for me, you stopped yourself and did everything you can to not let things escalate because you had conflicting feelings about being with me. You’re rational Jenny. You don’t let your emotions cloud your judgement. You didn’t want to go into something you’re not sure if you can handle or not like she did. Or talked yourself into it like she did. And I totally respect that about you. I can’t promise you that nothing will ever happen to me, that you won’t ever lose me. Fate has a way of choosing our destiny and there is nothing we can do about it, to stop it, change it, or undo it. I could live to be a hundred and nine or I can drop dead right now from….I don’t know a blood clot or an aneurism. There is nothing certain about any of our fates. Not mine or yours. I can’t do anything about my fate but I can promise you this, I, Alex Snow, will do absolutely everything in my power to stay alive and fight anything that stands in my way just to be with you and never leave your side, Jenny. Whether we are friends or lovers, this promise is my vow to you, a vow I didn’t get to say to you at our wedding ceremony, but I am solemnly saying it and meaning it from this moment onward”
He was right, there definitely is nothing certain about both our fates. I could end up dying before him for God’s sake, leaving him instead of the other way around.
“I really like that vow and will make sure to hold you to it, Alex Snow” I said softly.
He brought my head closer and printed a delicate kiss on my forehead.
“I won’t let you down, Jenny. You’re not going to be left alone ever again. You have a family who loves you and so do I. I love you” he said sincerely as he looked deeply into my eyes.
My eyes watered again and I felt my heart do a complete flip at hearing those three words from him so unexpectedly.
“It’s too soon to develop such a strong attachment and passion to reach the level of saying those words. But when I know something in my heart to be true, waiting is not something I’m really good at. I don’t want to overwhelm you, or change your decision. I will respect your thoughts and give you whatever you want. Be it friends or lovers I will take whatever you want to give me. And I mean it with all my heart. Love doesn’t have to be sexual, it is so much more than that for me”
Can anyone be this perfect or is it just Alex?
Because he was, perfection. In every sense of the word.
How can I say friends to this man? It’s physically and emotionally impossible not to be attracted to him. His gazes, touches, and words were all so hard to resist. Painful even.
However, he did say I was rational. And I was.
So I did the rational thing and said to him lightly; to try and put an end to this very intense, touching, emotional confrontation “I will let you know my decision by the end of this trip”
He smiled and said lovingly “I am not in a rush. Take your time. I’m just relieved that we are on the same page now. That my feelings were met in the same way and that I wasn’t imagining things in my head”
We settled our backs into the rock behind us and returned to watching the clear empty sky again, in silence.
After about fifteen minutes, it happened.
The lights started appearing in the sky, shimmering like curtains in the dark sky.
It was a light green color, so intense, so alluring, I was mesmerized.
“It’s so beautiful, Alex” I breathed in amazement, unable to tear my eyes away from that beautiful painting in the sky.
“It is” he said affectionately.
His tone made me turn my head towards him and that’s when I saw him looking at me instead of the sky.
“You’re not even looking” I said in wonder.
“Trust me, I am” he said fondly.