Tabula Rasa. White’s move. Territory of Seduction

Chapter 29

Polina

It's been ten days since the night Max left. Or rather, I chased him away. I'm crossing off the without him on my day planner's calendar.

They say time heals. Turns out that axiom doesn't apply to me.

A few days ago, I saw him getting on his Harley right in front of the entrance to the office where I work. My heart nearly jumped out. Our eyes met, and I struggled to stay on my . It was hard to breathe. Just one look!

I don't know why he was there, but I fantasized that Max had come to see me. Only he didn't over, didn't talk to me, didn't offer to explain himself. Those are my dreams, but I wish it were and he came because of me. It's not working out. I'm sorry. We just looked at each other.

Saturday morning begins with a Skype conversation with Lisa. She's been virtually me all this time. The trouble is that we are far away from each other and I miss her and lightness.

- Hi, – she looks at me. - Did you cry again?

- No. I guess I have that "always crying" look now. Actually, I'm out of tears.

- Do you go to the dance?

- I'll go next week. Starting Tuesday.

- You're missing out for nothing, Polina. You need some kind of distraction, – Lisa frowned.

- I don't want anything. Nothing, – I put my hand to my forehead so she couldn't see my .

- Is it that bad?

- For me, yes. Nothing changes, Liz. I was hoping that after a while I'd feel better, but I feel . I don't want to live.

- Don't say that! - Lisa cuts me off. - Maybe you should call him yourself. I don't see wrong with that.

- No. He'll reject me. It will hurt more. I can't take more pain.

- Then look for his negative sides, think about his faults. After all, remember what he did to

Diana the goat. The fact that she took the money is her business, but the fact that he went along it just undoes all the good.

- It's awful, I guess, Lisa, but I can't blame him or hate him for that act. I tried. I've honestly . But... I love him so much that even if the whole world turned against him, I'm willing to cover . I can't even describe to you how I feel! I feel like I've been doused in boiling water. And I feel this burning pain every second of every day. It's just inside, – a lump in my throat, and I my neck the way Max did during sex.

Max, you're everything to me now. Even your gestures.

- Mouse, how can I help you? I'll ask Daddy to send me to you. My mother will be furious, –

Lisa adds with a laugh. - I refused to go with her to Odessa, and now I'll slip away to you. Sarah you?

- Yeah, we've really bonded. We're going to Soho today to do some shopping. She has such sweet baby girl. We've been talking to Mary a lot more, but only at work.

- That's good. What else? You're active, sister. Planning any extreme adventures, by any ? What about your skydiving?

I haven't told Lisa anything about Michael yet. We've been talking to him with enviable now, too. We've spent every lunch hour together since this Monday. I suspect it's Sarah's , though she keeps telling me that Max and I will make up soon.

- I promise that from next week, I'll think about something extreme. But I'll be even happier you come out to me, – I say to Lisa in farewell.

Soho is like a big anthill. Tourists, New Yorkers, fashionistas, partygoers, and shoppers - life buzzing. Sarah, Annie, Annie, and I did our shopping at a wonderful grocery store. It sells a of cheeses that Sarah only buys here. I picked out a couple bottles of wine, I want to get tonight in her company. Annie commanded that it was time for ice cream. We're near The

Cupping Room Cafe. I remember it from our walks with Max in Soho. I have a masochistic urge to into the atmosphere of this place where I was happy. The gulf between the me of the past the me of today is especially acute now. I have become different. I am unhappy now.

We're done with lunch, only Annie is still eating ice cream that has turned into a viscous .

- Time to get the waiter, – Sarah suggests.

I glance around and stare at Max coming inside. I forget everything and just see him. He's ! I catch his every move, unable to take my eyes off him. He's lost weight. Smooth-shaven, a short, stylish haircut. He's wearing a black polo and black jeans. His face looks peaceful. He straight towards us, just a moment more and we meet eyes! The waiter shows him to a vacant and he takes a seat just a few meters away from us. I can see his broad back, his broad . I want to run my hand over them. To breathe in his favorite scent. To press my cheek his neck under the line of his hair.

But not mine, but another woman's hand ruffles his hair and pats his shoulder. With him is a , dark-haired girl with a short-cropped nape and long bangs. She's acting like his longtime . Seeing him touched by someone else is beyond me. I slide my gaze over his shoulders lower the brim of my wide-brimmed hat.

- Is that him? - Sarah asks quietly. I nod silently.

We hear a girl's cheerful voice, she says something to him in French and Max answers her.

You can't understand his words, but his French speech flows like music. I can't stand it!

A waitress comes up to us and shuts me out of the room with her.

- He looked back at our table, – Sarah blurted out, making big eyes.

- Let's leave quickly, – I ask her. We pay in cash, and I rise from the table, glancing in his , trying to walk at a measured, unobtrusive pace. I squared my shoulders in case he me, he could read my body language, and I wouldn't cringe, giving away my pain.

How I wish I could look back and see him, meet his gaze. Just a glance! But I can only see girl sitting across from me. We're about the same age. Very pretty, and she has something similar Max in her face. Maybe her eyes. But they're more blue than gray. I think I've seen her , but I can't remember where.

Max must have noticed me. I can feel his eyes on me, but I don't look back. I'm afraid. I'm I won't be able to stand it-I'll cry, or I won't be able to resist the temptation to approach. I'm of my reaction.

Outside, Sarah takes me by the elbow. I don't want to talk. I feel like tears are about to spurt my eyes.

- Polina, what were you thinking?

- Okay, – I make a vague wave of my hand.

- This girl can be his good friend and that's it, – Sarah says.

- I understand, Sarah. I do.

- Then don't think about her. He didn't show her any signs of attention.

- Sarah, I'm not thinking about her. It's just that he wasn't alone.

- And you're not alone now. Did he treat you in public the same way he treated her?

- I didn't see how he behaved with her.

- I'm sorry you didn't say hello, – Sarah shakes her head. - Maybe you guys should talk.

Why don't we wait for them here and have a chance meeting?

I'm not answering anything to that. I have nothing to say. I can't. No.

At home, I open my laptop and flip through Max's photos.

My favorite.

I can't breathe...

Nothing to breathe...

- - - - -

It's a good thing Lisa has an American visa. And it's good that our dad always understands daughters.

I'm picking her up at the airport on Wednesday.

- You look awful. So thin. Do you even eat? - my sister compliments me.

I nod. I have to admit, I can't get a bite down my throat. Lisa seems to understand, and she her arms around me, and we drive like children to my house.

Right in front of the bed, I hung a large portrait of Max. I printed the picture he'd sent me in Kyiv. His face against the night city outside the window.

- Why did you put his portrait on the wall? - Lisa shrieks. - You have to take everything, that has to do with him away! Out of sight! Are you crazy, Polina?

She wants to take a picture, but I get in her way.

- No!

- You're crazy! Definitely, – Lisa's voice filled with horror.

- Yeah, I've lost my mind.

- - -

Michael invited Sarah and me to spend the weekend together. The result was a large group us-me, Lisa, Sarah and Emmy, and Michael and his friend Richard, or as he introduced himself,

Richie. Ritchie has a spacious minivan, in which all of us safely fit. Today we have a trip to the

Bronx Zoo.

Richie is a huge, fat, boisterous and funny man, he's the ringleader of our company.

Sometimes he's too much. Big eyes, curly head, loud laugh. He amuses us with funny stories from turbulent youth and makes friendly jokes about Michael, telling us how right he is. In Richie's , their different personalities are the best explanation for their friendship: the reckless Richie the nerdy Michael. Annie has taken her place on Richie's shoulders and is constantly asking for to toss her up. She told me in confidence that Richie reminds her of Kung Fu Panda. It was so and apt that it made me laugh for the first time since Max and I broke up. It was the first time I'd laughed since I'd broken up with Max.

The zoo amazes me with its scale. We move around the huge territory in steam trains, then a cable car. It is impossible to go around such a park in a day, so we, armed with a guidebook, only the most interesting zones. I'd even say it's Annie's choice. She set the tone for our walk by us right away what animals she wanted to see.

Lisa immediately hit it off with Michael, I think she's crazy about him. It's a relief for me,

Michael had planned to cheer me up, he told me that last night after work, but I'm not in the mood all.

I have the opportunity to focus on shooting, I have long been collecting photos from zoos the world that I have been to, I will add to my collection at the same time.

I shoot everything that comes into the lens: people, animals, plants - subjects that I've to see.

The zoo is completely free for the monkeys. They approach visitors or, on the contrary, the clicks of cameras - they are used to it. While I am taking pictures, the monkeys touch me, at my feet. They have very sad eyes and I take pictures of their wrinkled paws. I seem like a to myself - a creature who lives in his own world, and around him life is boiling, but it has to do with me. The saddest thing is that everything suits me, and I don't even want to try to anything.

Sarah takes me aside:

- Are you even a little distracted? - she scrutinizes my face. I bite my cheek, a habit I've up lately that distracts me from crying-even when I don't want to cry, I still resort to it.

- Polina, I know you too well now. You don't seem to be giving yourself a chance.

- Don't say anything, – I tell her. - Lisa will be upset. She's not happy with me.

- I don't care about Lisa, I'm sorry. I care about you. You need something to keep you busy.

You think it'll stop hurting? No. But it's time to get out of your box. If you don't get your head on , I'm gonna take you to a therapist. You'll be prescribed medication, and you'll take it. You some? I did after Jack died. Maybe you need it, too.

- No, I don't, – I objected.

- Then get out of it. I know you're in pain, but it's self-destructive. Think of something.

Promise?

- I promise.

It's really time for me to figure something out and change. But not today.

While we were chatting with Sarah, Lisa bought ice cream for everyone. We sit on the grass, the treat and sharing our impressions of the busy day. Michael suggests that I lean against back, so we can sit more comfortably. It's probably the first time he's tried to get close to me all , and I thought he'd already turned his attention to Lisa. We sit with our backs to each other.

Michael casually places his hand on top of mine. I don't even try to remove it. It doesn't matter if it 't mean anything to me anyway.

At the end of the walk, Lisa invites everyone to join us for iced tea. Sara and Annie, alas, not join us - the blue-eyed wonder falls asleep on the go. Having delivered the girls home, we to our place.

The bathroom is located on the second level of the apartment next to the bedroom. Michael I bump into each other on its doorstep. He stops in front of Max's portrait.

- Is that your boyfriend? - He nods at the picture.

- No, – I shake my head negatively.

- Who's that? - Michael clarifies.

- One famous, talented artist.

- Oh, yeah. Are you a big fan of art? Is that his work hanging in the living room where, 're wearing roses? - Michael looks at me ironically. "Think what you want! I told you the truth!"

- I mentally get angry. Wow, I'm already angry. Have emotions started to awaken in me? Am I really my old self? No, I'm not going back to my old self.

Michael is the complete opposite of Max. He's a burly brunette with brown-green eyes. He's and thin, but to my surprise, today, the first time I saw him in a T-shirt, I discovered that he had athletic figure and strong, sculpted arms.

- Michael, do you work out? - Lisa asks as we sit comfortably tripled up on the floor, eating pizza we ordered and drinking iced tea.

- In the pool, – Michael replied. - But every day for twenty-five years, – he laughed.

- Oh! So you're a swimmer, she admires. Swimmers are her weakness. She even taped up wall in her dorm room with posters of famous men in swim trunks-Phelps, Thorpe, Lisogor-and of her favorite, Ryan Lochte.

- No, I've been sky diving, – Michael explained.

- Don't be modest, kid, – Richie chuckled. - As usual, he gives me the right to emphasize his achievements. Michael is a master diver.

- Wow, cool! - Lisa gives a thumbs up. - What sport do you play, Richie? - Lisa winks at the fat man.

- I could tell you I'm the sumo wrestling champion of the world, but my eyes aren't narrow I'm more successful at goofing around, – he cackles, his voice trumpeting. I try to laugh along them.

- Lisa, what do you do? - Michael asks.

- Tennis. But just for fun, – my sister giggled. Daddy always wanted us to play it , but I never really got into it, and Lisa always enjoyed going to the court.

- And you, Polina, are you an athlete? - Michael looks at me carefully.

- No, I'm not an athlete. I'm an idea girl, – I try to joke. - I'm a dancer.

Slowly I'm being drawn into the conversation.

- What else are you into? - Michael asks. Lisa takes the lead and promotes me.

- Oh, guys, Polina's being modest. My sister is not afraid of parachuting or going off the . All she wants is something hotter.

- Wow, so you like extreme sports? - Richie is surprised. - That guy, – he pats Michael on back. - He's also a fan of the occasional adrenaline rush.

- I don't go skydiving, Polina, don't listen to him. But we can go in a wind tunnel, if you . I already have experience, – Michael simply suggested.

- Why not? We can fly, Michael, – I agreed. I guess this is the way out of my personal crisis, one I'm stuck in: moving small steps in any direction away from my depression.

Lisa will be staying with me for another week. This makes her thrilled, and me despondent. I don't want to socialize with anyone. Turns out, not even the Lisa I've been waiting for.

In the morning on the subway on my way to work, I listen to music. In bed, before I go to , I listen to music. All I need now is music and my loneliness. I know it's not right, that I need unwind myself somehow, but it's very simple to explain - Max was the embodiment of my peace happiness for me, now this peace is gone and my life is like a black hole.

Although I am reveling in my depression, at the urging of Sarah and Lisa, I have set in my "awakening" mechanism. On Friday, Michael and I are going to fly in an aerotube.

But that's not all. Michael walks me home or to the dance studio after work every night, on the day of the week. He ignores my feeble attempts to object.

One evening Lisa rebuked me:

- I'm having a hard time with you. You're locked in your case and you won't even let your pull you out.

I shrug. What do I say to her if she's right.

- Why don't you just relax? I mean, you can talk to men with no strings attached, right?

Michael's around. You should at least go to the coffee shop with him. But you look through him as through a glass wall, - Lisa resents. - I so want you to come back! But I don't know how to do it you. Unless I find your Max and kick him in the head, maybe he'll agree to bring you out of darkness, where you are now!

- Lisa, don't be silly. You won't be looking for anyone, and the fact that I have to come out of deafening siege... All in good time, – I'm not in the mood for discussion, but I'm thinking about she said.

Do I live? Or am I a somnambulist, a soulless automaton? It's possible that with the loss of

Max, I've lost the ability to feel. Before, I would have been over the moon that Lisa was with me.

But now some mechanism in me is broken. Instead of happy, I'm annoyed. I'm haunted by one : to lie alone in the darkness of my apartment.

I think back to the conversation I had with Lisa when Michael walks me home. He's telling something, but I admit I can't hear him at all.

- Michael, tell me, how different am I from the way I was when I met you? - I ask without introduction, cutting in on his story. I've become completely unapologetic.

- Hmm... - Michael hesitated. - We were much less social back then. You were very smiling sweet.

- And now?

- Now... Now you've become very absent-minded and uncommunicative, – he murmurs.

- Why do you walk me home every day? - I go on without saying anything.

- I like you, – he's straightforward, too.

We are silent. I notice Lisa on the balcony with a book, waving at us and inviting us to . I'm pissed. What the hell? I'm not going to take anyone to dinner. I want to be quiet.

In the driveway, I brake hard, so Michael doesn't have time to react and comes at me from .

- Kiss me, – I look into his eyes.

- Polina, you shouldn't, – he replies softly.

- Why? You like me, – I said irritably.

- But you don't like me.

- Does it matter?

- For me, yes.

I wrap one arm around his neck and pull him to me. Our lips collide and we stand like this a few seconds. In an instant, Michael has me between the wall and his strong body, kissing me real, capturing my lips and pulling them apart with his tongue. It's as if I'm watching this scene the sidelines. Not a single nerve in me flinches. Neither his experience, nor his passion, nor his excites me or even repels me. All feelings and emotions are dead in me. Life is dead in me.

I am a dried up river.

Pulling away from Michael, I cover my lips with the back of my palm.

- I'm sorry, – I awkwardly raise my eyes at him.

- Nothing. I was ready for this. Maybe someday you'll answer me. Apologize to Lisa for me.

Don't forget we have the hot tub tomorrow, – Michael left me.

This night in my dream, Max comes to me. His face emerges from the darkness and me. I see every favorite feature: his nose, his lips, his eyebrows, and his glowing gaze.

A golden, no, fireball explodes inside me! A ball of lightning that brings my body to life. Max's lips, tongue filling my mouth and teasing with progressive movements, enthrall me. I press myself against him. His hands slide down my back, down to my buttocks. He whispers in my ear: "I you. I love you so much. Just you."

I wake up crying. I'm shaking with sobs. God, why did this dream interrupt, why? WHY?! I to go to sleep forever, just so he's there in the dream-my Max-and holding me close.