Tabula Rasa. White’s move. Territory of Seduction

Chapter 27

Polina

- Polina?! - Sarah studies me, standing in the office doorway. - You... What's wrong with ?

I'm sitting at my desk at work wearing big sunglasses. Here, right now, it's just my body. I'm else.

From across the table, I nod back to Sarah. I can't even say the words. As soon as I open my , unintelligible sounds and sobs come out of me.

Did I know it would hurt so much?! I think it's easier to endure physical pain than it is to the kind of mental anguish I'm experiencing right now.

Sarah closes the door behind her and walks over to the table.

- What's wrong? Polina, you can talk to me.

I try to say something, but I just open my mouth and spread my hands. I can't hear myself . It's probably because of this morning's tears and my inner desolation. Sarah gives me a look. Apparently realizing that I'm going to keep opening my mouth in an attempt to utter a , she asks me to take off my glasses, and I comply. Her eyes widen, and I finally squeeze out words:

- There you go.

My face was swollen with tears and covered in red spots. I know. The glasses are . I was completely unprepared for such a twist of fate and showed myself to be a . I'm not a strong woman. In fact, I'm an exceptionally weak woman. I'm in pain and I'm .

- Polina, my God, what happened to you? Is everyone okay?

I shake my head negatively, and rather than speak, I give birth to individual syllables.

- I'm...I'm...dead, – is all I can manage. Apparently, I look so pathetic that Sarah walks the table, coming closer to me, and wraps her arms around me. She lifts my face up by my , strokes my hair, and looks like she's about to cry herself.

- I'm sorry to ask. Did you have a fight with your blond god? - She asks, and I shake with , sinking into her stomach.

"Worse! I did it myself! I drove him away!"

He's not coming back. I know he won't. I know! He won't take me back! Not even if I curl like a puppy on his doorstep. Even if I hug him on my knees. Oh, Max, he's so principled.

He opened me up like a can opener opens a tin can. Just like that. And you can't close it back again, the sharp, jagged edges won't mend. I know that. With my sixth sense. All my nerves are . My pulse is ringing at its highest note! My heart has been ripped open!

How could I push away the man I love?

I don't care what the world thinks of him or how the world views his actions, as long as I him with all my soul. Let him be anything he wants to be. Whatever he wants to be! I'll take any way I can get him. Anybody!

What does it matter if he loves me or not? I love him! And if he were with me, I'd be the of women. And I was until I drove him away yesterday. By myself!

I cry it all out with tears, tucked into Sarah's stomach, but unable to move my tongue.

- Okay, sweetie, there's no point in you being here right now. You're not going to do useful anyway, – Sarah said, patting me lightly on the shoulder. - Come on, we'll go to the .

She leaves the office and returns ten minutes later.

- Grab your bag, you and I have business to attend to.

Like a robot, I get up from the table and follow her.

She takes me to the underground parking garage, puts me in her car, and we drive...to

Central Park? OH, NO! Not here!

We rode our bikes here! This is where he caressed me when we had our picnic. Oh God, much affection he gave me!

Max.

His kisses burn on my lips. My body remembers his touch. His voice and laughter echo me.

My whole world shrunk down to one man. He became my universe. There's no one else like . I know that. He's one of a kind. That's my Max. Mine! Mine!

- Oh, my God, Polina! You're breaking my heart! How can I leave you? Why don't you stay my place tonight? - Sara takes my hand in hers, while she deftly steers the car. I don't know , I just can't breathe.

- Come to my place better.

- Just get my stuff. I definitely have to go to work tomorrow. Let's go, my daughter will be I get to spend the day with her.

At home, I pack a bag, not really figuring out what I'm putting in it.

Turns out Sarah doesn't live that far from my house, only seven minutes away.

She has a detached house, with a lovely flowerbed in front of the porch. We are greeted by nanny, an elderly woman, genuinely surprised at Sarah's early return, and a little girl, a lovely girl of about four, peeks out from behind her.

- Annie, meet Polina, – Sarah introduces me to her daughter.

- Are you crying? - asks the little girl, who looks like an angel. She has blonde hair and big eyes. I'm not normal, but the first thing I think of is that Max would have very beautiful .

- Annie, show Polina your room, – Sarah offers the girl affectionately.

I'm entering a real girl's kingdom. Annie gives me a whole tour. She introduces me to all her and stuffed toys, shows me her books and the tent where she lives during the day. My tears dry . Still, children and animals are the best healers.

- Come into my house, – Annie said, inviting me in. I follow her under the pink canopy, two baby dolls, a white rabbit, and a robot sit in a row.

- Would you like some tea? - Annie holds out the doll cup to me, and I bring it to my lips.

- It's delicious, – I stroked the baby's soft hair.

- Let's go to mom's then, – Annie smiles and is the first to quickly make her way out of .

“It's good to be small girl”, – a thought flickers through my mind. That's all I can think of. I 't think now, only feel a solid wound in place of my heart.

Sarah engages me in some kind of business and conversation. I follow her tail and notice I'm at least beginning to perceive the world around me.

In the evening, Sarah and I sit on the steps of her house, with cups of iced tea, and talk. I'm able to talk, and I'm insanely grateful to my new friend that she doesn't ask too many . We talk about distracted topics, occasionally smoothly touching on our office. Sarah tells her story of coming to the company, how she formed the department, how she joined the team, amusing incidents from the life of her colleagues.

We are silent for a while, and her next sentence sounds like a revelation to me:

- You know, Michael has a crush on you.

I can hardly take in what I'm hearing because I can't appreciate anything to do with a strange , especially now. I only want to belong to one man, Max.

Sarah is silent, apparently waiting for my reaction.

- I'm sorry, I'm not getting that kind of information right now, – I apologize.

- Maybe you want to tell me what happened? - Sarah decides to.

- I don't know how long I can talk without crying, – I try to smile, but I don't do it well. I try smile, but I can't do it very well:

- We broke up yesterday, – again a lump rolls up my throat and my eyes are wet. Sarah puts hand on my shoulder:

- You'll make up, – she says it so firmly and confidently that my tears dry up in an instant.

- I can't tell you anything right now. I can't. And I don't know if it's appropriate. It's his story, mine. I'm just not sure that, after everything, he'd-" I retorted, breaking off abruptly because I close to tears.

- You'll make up, – Sarah says firmly. - I don't know when. Maybe in a week, maybe in six , but it will happen.

- Why do you think that is, – I asked, finding Sarah's firmness a bit puzzling, though pleasantly reassuring.

- You don't pay attention to his looks? He looked at you as if you were a jewel he owned.

That's the way you only look at someone very important, someone you love, – Sarah explained . - You don't give up on a relationship like that.

I smile hopelessly.

- Oh, Sarah, it hardly saves me that he looked at me then as if I were his jewel. That was a time ago.

- It wasn't that long ago, – she objected. - Believe me, I recognize those looks. This man 't leave you. You mean too much to him, Polina. What's his name, may I ask?

- Max. His name is Max.

- It's a very pretty name. I like it. You know, everything to the max. It's kind of sexy.

- Yes, he is, – I set the cup on the step and wrap my arms around my knees.

- I'm sure you do. Men like that love to the fullest. If he's in love, only death will separate from his beloved.

- He doesn't believe in love, – I explain.

- Yes, of course, – Sarah laughed contagiously, and I succumbed to the magic. - Polina, I 't know about what he believes, but even a blind man could see that he's head over heels in love you.

- What makes you so sure people like him fall in love to death? - I stare at her intently.

- My husband was like that. He died, – she adds after a pause.

- Oh, Sarah, my condolences, – I shake her hand. She brushes away a tear that rolled out of corner of her eye.

- I'll take it. Nothing. It's been four years. That's a lot worse, Polina, than breaking up of an argument. But I live, you see. I have Annie - a copy of her daddy, - Sarah smiles . - A blond Angel just like him. See, you and I are the lucky owners of an endangered species - men, – she laughs sadly. - And your Max is beautiful, healthy, and even very alive. He's sexy, – Sarah adds in a cheerful whisper. - So, don't be sad. It's just a challenge.

- If you only knew, – I sigh.

- When you can, and most importantly, when you want to talk about it, you will, – she patted arm. - Let's go to bed.

We're going back to the house.

- Sarah, – I called softly to her. She understands without a word, and we hug.

As I lie in bed, I think about how Sarah's story is much harder, but she continues to live and looks optimistic and strong. Maybe I can do the same. I'm even a little ashamed that I'm so to my pain. But as soon as I think of Max, there's not even a hint of optimism left from my at optimism.

I pull out my smartphone and open the photo album. Here he is laughing. We're on a picnic.

He's wearing a blue shirt that emphasizes his incredible eyes. And here he is lying on a blanket and a blade of grass in his mouth, squinting slyly at me. And here he is sitting in the kitchen with his on his head, looking into the lens with his lower lip puckered. He's naked in that picture. And I there's nothing on the part of his body that's not in the picture.

I'm kissing Max's picture on the screen, as silly as it looks.

"Max, where are you? Do you even think about me sometimes?"

I wish I could hold you right now and tell you how much I love you. I close my eyes, tears from the outer corners of my eyes and rolling down my temples.