radicalducati Chapter 25
Chapter 25
Polina
I had no idea that such a beautiful two weeks of pure delight would happen in my life.
For two weeks Max has been mine alone! He often stays overnight on weekdays. We spend weekends at his place.
During these two weeks we managed to attend a preview screening of a new blockbuster , Max doesn't like premiere day because of the crowds of fans who come hoping for an of their favorite actor. We rode bikes in different parks in Brooklyn. Finally, I dragged
Max to the Whitney Museum, which I've always wanted to visit. In my previous visits to New York,
I had never been able to get there.
The king of the program, of course, is sex. "Sex of the highest order." There's no other word it.
It can be different: gentle or so rough that Max's fingers leave marks on my neck and . Sometimes it's games, with a variety of toys, and sometimes it's quick sex without and not necessarily at home. He cheers me up and encourages my fantasies, agreeing to any simple experiments. But usually we fulfill his fantasies.
Ice, cream, strawberries, champagne, cognac, hot chocolate, silk scarves and stockings, feathers or specialty items from the sex shop. And until I literally fall off my feet.
We slept apart last night: I had a modern dance classes and then a beauty salon. The salon is must! I must always have a flawless look. Max is an aesthete, I want to be the best.
It's the middle of the work week, and I promised Max not to stay late at the office: he's to my place for a sleepover tonight. Although he has his keys, I don't want to keep him .
As I look through my papers, I drink my coffee and remember my dream from today. I that I was sailing in a boat under a black dome of sky dotted with twinkling stars. I'm lonely. Max is somewhere nearby, but I can't see him, only feel his presence. I call out to , but he doesn't come, and the boat drifts farther and farther away. I wake up with an incredible in my heart. Thank God it's only a dream! But the residue haunts me all morning.
It's been raining all day today. Suddenly it's not a warm summer downpour at all, but a fall- drenching downpour. This is incredibly rare for New York in the hottest July on record. I was by a cane umbrella with an impressive dome, the main thing is not to forget it when I leave office. Max would come straight to my house today, so I'd take public transportation.
At the end of the day, the office manager Suzanne calls me on an extension.
- Polina, there's a visitor waiting for you in the lobby.
- A visitor? - I'm looking at my watch. It's a quarter to five. How long is this going to take?
I'm in a hurry to get home!
- Suzanne, did she introduce herself? The thing is, I'm not expecting anyone.
- I'll check with the receptionist, Polina. I was sure you had an agreement, – I hear Suzanne to the business center receptionist on the second line. When she's finished, she tells me. -
Polina, the visitor's name is Diana Bathgate.
I'm instantly thrown into a fever, my face seems to be burning from the inside out.
Is this someone's stupid joke? I freeze in place like a salt statue. I clench and unclench my to see if I'm dreaming.
- Polina, is everything all right? - Mary looks at me worriedly. - You look a little pale.
- Thank you, Mary, it's all right.
"Nothing is all right! I'm in a panic! What the hell does she want?"
My temples are pounding. That's not good! I can feel it with my sixth sense.
I'm exhaling. I'm not going to live in a desk chair! I go to the bathroom, wash my hands, and my cheeks. I comb my hair, look in the mirror, and try to figure out what kind of impression
I'm making. I don't want to look like a teenager, my appearance is my enemy, especially in these .
I glance down at my shoes; I'm wearing ten-centimeter stiletto heels, giving me height and a look. In the city I move exclusively on flat soles: sneakers or ballet flats, but now I 't afford such luxury. I decide to keep my shoes for the office. I am wearing a strict office black with a white lapel collar. I stroke my talisman, a key, a gift from Max. I look at my shaky . There's nothing wrong with my manicure. I need to put some lip gloss on. I toss my hair over shoulder, fluffing it up a little.
"All right, calm down! It's not going to eat you”, - I said to myself. I lift my chin. I go back the office to get my bag.
- Mary, if anyone asks, I'm in a meeting. It wasn't scheduled. I'm with a customer at
Starbucks.
- All right, Polina! Good luck, – she smiles at me.
"Luck is the best!" runs through my head. Oh, I know it's going to be hard. A chill runs down back - my intuition is sending a signal. It's a bad sign!
I go downstairs and approach the front desk, calling my name and clarifying where my is. The girls point me to a lady sitting a little farther away.
I try not to drop my jaw to the floor. My heart traitorously skips a beat.
Oh, my God! I'm just an ugly duckling next to this white swan.
In one of the brightly colored armchairs in the lobby, a celestial woman sits with her foot behind her leg. When she notices me turning my head in her direction and hears my name, rises-tall, a true nymph. Half of her face is covered by large glasses; she takes them off and me over from head to toe. At that moment I want to become invisible, to disappear into space.
I'm just a girl next to her!
Diana, if that's her, is a classic beauty - natural platinum blonde, with well-groomed, thick . High cheekbones, a neat little nose of the right shape, eyebrows apart, eyes of a light, almost color, and it seems to be a natural color. Her lips are full and properly shaped, and there is a gram of silicone in them. She's natural in every sense; it's not hard to see why Max singled woman out among the others.
Stylish, in a white suit with a masculine cut, she attracts more than just my attention. Some look back at her, some stare at her with undisguised interest.
- Good afternoon. Are you Polina? - She said in a melodic, guttural voice, looking down at and smiling at the corners of her lips.
- Good afternoon. Yes, I'm Polina. You are?
- I'm Diana Bathgate. Why don't we go to the café? I have a private conversation with you, – nods nonchalantly toward the atrium.
I walk forward, thus indicating for her to follow me.
After ordering drinks, we take a seat at a vacant table in the corner. I keep my back straight, I'm far from her: she's the height of aesthetics.
Diana takes a long look at me and takes a sip of her latte.
- You certainly know who I am, – her gaze penetrated with mockery.
- Vaguely, – I answer. After these words, she doesn't hide her irony.
- Then allow me to introduce myself. I am Maximilian's ex-fiancée. Max Cameroons.
- Hmm... Is that supposed to tell me something? - I arched an eyebrow ironically, too, a chill churned inside me, spreading through my veins.
- You know about me from your friend. He asked me to meet with you, to open the veil a about the real reason we broke up, – she leaned back gracefully and twirled the straw in her with her long fingers.
- Do you think I need to know the details of your relationship? - I look at her with a slight . "Oh, Polina, hang in there! Don't you dare show me how uncomfortable this whole thing is you!"
- Basically, I shouldn't care. We parted ways a long time ago. But if I can keep an innocent from making a mistake, I'll be repaid, – she said, leaning her hand on the table. - Let's cut to chase. You know that Max paid me a certain amount of money for a certain operation, right?
The tension building in me, twisting everything inside me into a tight knot. I try not to give away and push the lump lodged in my throat, so I stare at her silently, unblinking.
- Well, it's true. He paid me to get rid of the baby. This number here, – she writes
"$1,000,000" on a napkin, shows it to me, holding it in two hands, then tears the paper to shreds.
- The truth is, I can't have any more children now. I agreed to give up my career for him I loved him. But I'm not his first victim. Max won't even consider having children. But 't expect him to pay you if you get pregnant. He usually just takes the girl to the doctor. By the , has he proposed to you yet? - she looks at me like she's looking at a terminal patient. It's not pity. It's the look of someone who can afford the luxury of looking down on someone who's in rare shit.
- What does this have to do with our conversation? - I pull away from her. The knot inside tighter. God! I don't want to listen to her. Get up and run!
- No? - she grins a bitter smile and moves away from the table, putting her long leg over her . - Then it's worse than I was told. Poor soul, you're wasting your time on him. I'm truly sorry you. He'll crush you the moment he senses your weakness for loving him. That one word will everything! He doesn't need romantic delusions. Everything will be fine exactly until the he realizes that you have become a hindrance, or worse, a burden, to his independence.
She leans toward me again and now I feel like I'm a rabbit hypnotized by a boa constrictor. I at her against my will. Her beautiful face is like a mask. The Venetian mask of Dama di
Venezia.
- Max is elusive, unyielding. He’s opposed to having children and against any traditional values. Although he proposed to me a week after we met and bought an apartment near his to be close, it was just a whim. I served as a beautiful toy for him. An expensive toy. He was that I was a dancer at one of the biggest theaters in America. But perhaps he did love me, – gaze suddenly slips away from mine, and she looks into herself, speaking a tone quieter now. -
He took me to London, Sydney, Rio, Mallorca, Rome. Gave me flowers every day. Kept me safe obsessive admirers. It was a lot of things. A lot, – she pushes the glass away with her . Her gaze turns predatory again, and she stares at me fixedly. - It's all about good sex,
Polina. It's so nice to squeeze your throat during an orgasm, isn't it? Then there are the marks of his fingers on my neck.....
There's a string breaking inside me. It bursts somewhere beneath my heart, where my soul . Her gaze slides over my face, noticing something elusive.
- I know all about it. I get it, Polina. Yeah, he's a sex god. It's hard to find someone like that ... - she cuts off her monologue, lowering her eyes, taking a sip. - Only the sun is higher him, isn't it? And that's if the Sun can bring you back to life again and again. He'll crumble into to make the sex unforgettable. Before you know it, he's bringing you back to the peak of . Am I remembering this right? But that's all you can count on! - a dead pallor suddenly her face. - Max... Did he tell you he loved you? That he had to make it all look nice? Oh, the hoaxer! Only he had an exclusive on that word. "Love." As soon as you show your weakness, , whisper in your ear, in your most important moment, that you love, the whole world will upside down. He despises the feeling. It's like an insult to him. After all, a woman in love more than just sex. And Max keeps his word. Oh, yeah, I'll give him that. When a woman "I love you, – he can be unexpectedly cruel. Suddenly - her gaze becomes absent again, she's somewhere out of this place, and speaks on automatic, or maybe she's a fine actress. -
The day comes and he'll throw you against the wall, use brute physical force... Where's the he was just...?
- That's enough! - I don't want to hear it anymore!
She freezes half-sheepishly, eyeing me contemptuously with her turquoise undine eyes.
- Why are you telling me all this? You got your million! HE, - I emphasize the word "he." -
Paid you?
- Yeah, – her face was getting colorful again, and she grinned. - Of course she did! Of course did. Of course he paid. You think I had to risk my health, myself, just because he wanted me to?
I see you don't know anything yet.
- I don't want to know, – I interrupted her, not letting her continue.
- It's a waste, Polina! - Diana rests her chin on the interlocked fingers of her hands, leaning the table. - If you think Max is a cat to play cat and mouse with, you're sorely mistaken. At the least, he's a Dragon. A fire-breathing...
- Enough! This is your relationship, – I throw it back at her. - You made your choice! It's choice. Yours, Diana! You could have had a baby if you wanted to. You could have left Max.
You could have pursued your career. You chose money in exchange for his request. He kept his end the bargain. That's your choice. You're just as responsible for that abortion as he is.
- Keep the baby? - Her voice trembles with arrogance. - And live with apprehension? I see don't know him at all. Of course I left. It was the only way our relationship could have ! He lied to me! He withheld information about himself. I knew nothing about his family.
I broke off the engagement because I felt used! What would you do if you were me?
- Thank God I'm in my place, - well no, I can stand up for myself. And Max... Max! He's like that with me... or is he? What is he like? I cut off the chaotic stream of thoughts. This is not place or the time. - I don't see the point of your visit! What you've told me is very enlightening, it's your relationship with him. I know Max and I don't know you, Diana. The Max Cameron I is an exceptional man, yes, he's a gentleman and would never hurt a woman. And you can say you like now. You're a stranger, a stranger to me. I don't know you.
- Admit that he told you that "sex should be beautiful" and everything else is in favor of that.
Or maybe, uh.
I'm cutting her off. I've heard enough! Enough!
- I don't discuss my sex life with people close to me, and I don't discuss it with people I don't , – I get up from the table. I look down at her. - I'm not quite sure what you were trying to with your visit, Diana. What is clear to me, however, is that you and Max would have up under any circumstances. You're very different. I wish I could tell you it was nice to meet , but, – I pause. - I can't say it. Have a nice day.
I turn around and deliberately walk slowly past the tables toward the exit, swaying my hips .
In fact, there's a complete, utter emptiness inside of me right now. I feel like I'm burnt out . Burnt to a crisp.
I walk outside and stop the cab without delay. I want to get out of here so I don't run into her the street. I sit in the backseat and stare in front of me. A wave of pain rolls in from far away, up. My heart is broken. God...
What's wrong with me? I feel like I've been ripped open by shrapnel and it's hard to breathe.
It hurts. Every breath I take hurts.
Why?
Do I love him?
Love ?!
Is it really true?
Is that what love is?
Or, uh. is it a neurotic attachment? What is it?
Love... What's it like to "love"? Who is Max to me? Who am I to him?
"Holding it by the throat during orgasm."
"Sculpted finger marks on the neck."
"Proposal in a week."
He told her he loved her...
Did he beat her? For confessing her love? Is that possible?
If I tell you?
Say what?
My head is spinning!
Do I love him?
Love?
What is love?
What is love?!
Love?
Love...
Yeah. I love him.
Tears spurt from my eyes.
I... Who am I? Who am I to him?! A pretty girl for sex? A sex toy?
"God is in sex. The only thing higher than him is the sun."
"With you, I am a virgin who has never had a woman..."
"By the way, has he proposed to you yet?"
"I want to play.”, "What, Max?" , "I want to play with your body."
"He'll crumble into dust to make sex unforgettable. Always gives in full."
"It seems women dream of having a knight. "I'm ready to be one for you. All this so that sex will be mind-blowing, just like yesterday, and maybe even better."
"Did he tell you he loved you?"
"What do you want to hear? Don't tell me you want to hear that I love you."
Oh, my God! Max!
I wrap my arms around myself, swaying and shivering small shivers.
I love him, I love him. I love him.
"He doesn't need romantic delusions. Everything will be fine exactly until the moment he you've become a liability..."
Pictures of our history flash in and out of my head. And it's not sex!
A bike drowning in flowers. "I picked you a Stringbike with a woman's frame. Do you ?"
Kyiv. I run in the pouring rain towards Max, seeing his moccasins soaked through, his hands his umbrella, the wall of water pouring down from the heavens, the excitement in his blood his laughter. "I want you to get soaked. I want you to get funny too!"
A blue box in the palm of my hand:
"You gave me a symbol of power, and I give you a secret. Maybe this key, will someday a lock it can open.
- What lock, Max?
- From here, – my hand on his chest.
- Are you serious?
- I'm kidding, of course/ I want to wake you up, sleepyhead.
"The woman I will call my own will be Tabula Rasa in its purest form. She won't care all her previous experiences, because only our relationship will matter to her. The other next to me just won't survive."
Am I ready to let go of his past?
Accepting his million dollar abortion to his ex-fiancée?
God! My head is going to explode! I clutch my temples and squeeze my eyes shut.
I don't notice that the cab is already outside my house. The driver yells something, turning , and I pay him on autopilot without looking, crumpling the bills and shoving the change into open bag.
I forgot my umbrella. An umbrella in the office! It's raining like a bucket, of course, and I'm in seconds. Running the short distance from the car to the front door is beyond me. I'm just in the pouring rain. I'm pounding.
I go up to the apartment and fall into the chair. Water trickles off me, collecting in a puddle my feet. I don't care.
Literally five minutes later, Max opens the door with his key.
He runs into the house, brushes drops of water from my hair with his open palm, pulls two of champagne from the pockets of his light summer jacket. He doesn't even see that I'm in , so soaked. My hair sticks to my face, hiding streams of smeared mascara.
He smacks my lips.
- Hurry up and get changed, you're soaking wet.
- Max, do you love me? - I look into his eyes, through my wet bangs.
- Why are your eyes red? My mascara's a little runny, – he set the champagne bottles on the , his thumbs brushing the moisture off my face.
- I asked you a question. Answer me. Do you love me?
- Polina, – he looks at me carefully. - I think we've already discussed this matter. Do we to talk about it again? Has something changed?
I push him away, and cover my face with my hands.
- I love you! Max, I love you! What are you going to do with me now? - I'm sobbing. - What ?!
- What happened? Look at me, – he pulls my wrists apart and looks into my face, but I'm in again, unable to hold back the sobs. I can't control the hysteria that's building. I feel helpless the force of my feelings and his indifference.
- "What happened”, Max? You're asking what happened? The problem, Max! I realized I you! - he lets go of my hands. - Yes, yes, yes!!! I'm sorry, but I love you! I love you! And I it to be mutual!
- So? Is that why you're crying? Because you made this discovery? - he stands still, and I up against the wall.
- Is that why? No! You're not answering the question, Max. The question is, what happens if
I go off the pill and get knocked up, for example?! How much would you pay me? A million? Two?
Ten? And if I don't take a dime, what are you gonna do? - my hysteria bursts out and I lean against wall and slide to the floor.
- Polina, what's wrong? What are you saying? What million? - a dead pallor covers his face, eyes blazing with fire.
- The one you paid to your fiancée! Diana! The one you wanted to marry! The one you !
His face turns into a mask. And I can't stop.
- I can't take it, Max! I can't take it! Turns out I love you too much! Too much! So much so I'm having a natural disaster inside. You better leave right now! Get out! - I jump up, clenching fists. - GET OUT!!! I can't, I can't... God! Don't go! Stay! Tell me, answer me. Maybe she's to me. And you didn't pay her a million dollars?
He's standing perfectly still. Absolutely. Not a single muscle on his face moves. Only he like a ghost right now. Aloof. Alien. Not mine at all. I shake him by the shoulders.
- Answer me! I need to know!
- Says who? - He asks coldly. I grin crookedly.
- Is that all you want to know? Is that all?! DIANA!!! YOUR DIANA! Who, unlike me, you ! Did you pay her?
He recoils from me as if I'd slapped him in the face.
- Have you met? - He asks in an even voice.
- Dating? I don't give a shit about dating! She came to me!
- By yourself? - Through the veil of tears I can see the look of disbelief on his face. - When?
- What's the difference?
- Polina, I don't know what she told you. Believe me. I... - he falters, comes closer, but I away from him. - I'm begging you. Listen to me. Polina. - there's a struggle going on inside .
- You paid her a million dollars?! - I yell and shake him, clutching at his jacket.
- Yes, I did, – he says, as if it were a mundane matter to pay someone a mil for an abortion. I from him. - You don't think it's natural?
- Not natural? - I'm losing the floor under my feet. I see everything in a blur. I feel sick. I like I'm going to throw up. So it's true.
- Polina, what did she say to you? What? - he grabs me by the shoulders and looks into my . - WHAT.DID.DIANA.TELL.YOU? - he mints.
- So you're going to hit me for loving you? - I barely move my lips.
- Hit you? What are you talking about, Polina? - he stared at me with a burning gaze that pain, rage, anger, obsession.
- That you hold your mistresses by the neck during sex. That you're a sex god, but you just to get laid! And you've got tons of people like me! - I start laughing, which turns into sobs, but
I laugh again. He looks at me with an uncomprehending stare, holding me tightly by the shoulders. -
Sex and nothing but sex. You don't care about women.
I'm laughing hysterically and crying at the same time. There is almost no boundary between states.
- I'm a toy. Your sex toy. Well, I'm the one who agreed to it. It's my philosophy. Oh, come . There's no point in demanding anything else from you, – I sobbed again. - But I'm in love. And 's all upside down. Everything! But for me. And for you... You'll play with it, break it and leave it.
Why don't you take me to a surgeon and have my soul aborted? - I'm laughing.
Max slaps me so hard that my head flies off to the side. My ears ring like a bell. I freeze and sink to the floor.
- For what? - I look at him in horror. God... Is she more honest than he is?
- Polina, you're hysterical, I'm sorry. You should have stopped it. It's the surest way... - Max me up and holds me close. - What did she say?
I push him away with all the strength I can muster, jumping back, covering myself with my .
- Don't you use your little tricks on me! Don't you dare touch me! You know I'm weak in of you! And if you think you're gonna solve everything in bed, you know I'm not! I can't take ! My heart can't take your indifference! I can't bear to know that you do to someone else what you to me during sex. I can't stand it! I'm jealous of you even to a pole! When girls just look at you, I crazy jealous. Stupid, stupid! I should have realized a long time ago that I love you! - I sway side to side, wiping my tears with the back of my hand. - It's better to break up now! Now!
We're at odds now. All you want is sex, and I've fallen in love with you. We're at odds now, Max!
Go away! If you respect me, if you respect what we had, then leave! Get out! - I shove him in the and I jump back like a wildcat.
- Polina, you don't know what you're saying right now. I'll leave in the morning. You'll calm , we'll talk calmly, you'll ask questions, I'll answer, but now, come to me, – his face is with agony. He looks at me with such pain in his eyes that I start crying again.
- Come to you? Why?! You will caress me, once again I will lose my head with fantastic sex, that I will go crazy with pleasure, and then, when I get pregnant by the man I love, by you, you pay me a million to get rid of the child?! And if I keep it, you'll force me to have an abortion?!
Take me by the hand to the on-call gynecologist?! Like that girl Patricia, right? What if I want a ? Will you kill it anyway? - I put my hand over my mouth and sob, gurgling and sobbing .
Max freezes in place.
God, what's wrong with him?!
He looks at me, first with bewilderment. Then cold indifference. Then his face grew , as if I were something dirty, something I had to step over to keep from getting dirty.
- You think I paid her for an abortion? - he says with such disgust that my hair moves on my .
- You just confirmed it yourself! - I'm shaking with sobs. He goes to the kitchen, pours water a glass, brings it to me.
- Have a drink. You need to calm down. DRINK! - He says loudly and harshly, forcing me to the glass. As I continue sobbing, I drink, taking big gulps, choking.
Max sits down on the couch, stretches out his legs and looks down at me, even though he's a below me.
- Do you have a sedative?
- N-n-no, – I stammered. The effects of hysteria.
He walks out of the apartment. I sink down onto the couch, continuing to sway from side to . I'm getting chills. God, I've fallen in love with a man for whom human life is just smoke. God, hurts so bad! I love him so much that my heart is broken and can't be put back together, can't be .
Max returns ten minutes later, diluting some powder in a glass.
- It'll calm you down. Have a drink, – he hands me a glass. I drink. My shoulders slump.
Tears still flow, but they are single tears.
Max lifts me off the couch with a jerk, setting me in front of him, pulling off my soaking clothes. I shut myself off from him, crossing my arms, huddled together. He ignores my , stripping me naked. His eyes are covered, and I cover myself with my arms and even bend , as if I can hide my nakedness from him. He picks me up in his arms and carries me into the and puts me in bed, covering me with a blanket and tucking it under me. I continue to .
- I'm sorry I didn't live up to your expectations, – he says. - I'm sorry I'm not the person you me to be... - he stops talking. The shivers faded, and sleep came over me.
- What was that powder? - I ask him, tongue lolling.
- A sedative. It might make you drowsy, – I catch Max's gaze: tender, mixed with pain. He at me, and strokes my cheekbone with his knuckles. I'm seeing worse. Everything blurs in of my eyes. He leans toward me and touches my lips almost weightlessly. - I'm sorry, Polina, –
I feel his hot, wet, tantalizing mouth on my lips. I want to push him away... In fact, I want to kiss back... But I don't have the strength to wrap my mouth around and suck on his tongue sliding my lips.
His face turns into a blur.
I fall into oblivion. A dark whirlpool picks me up and whirls me around. I'm hurtling into black hole. Flying, flying, falling and flying again.
- - -
I wake up with a massive headache. It's gray and drizzling rain outside. Morning is just on. I stagger down to the kitchen. I pour water into a glass and take small sips. My gaze on the table. Max's keys are on it.
He's gone.
Gone.
He's gone!
I settle on the floor, then lay down on the tile without strength.
I love him so much!
God, how am I gonna live without him?!
Tears roll silently from my eyes.
Max!
Max.
Max...